Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kissing is weird as hell. "Um I really like you so I'm going to taste the inside of your face for a little while."

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.

   I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

   The last time I saw a vag!na was apparently, the last time.

   in California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   If Donald Trump combs his hair back live on TV facing the camera, I'll send a check for $5 to any "Hair Club For Men" chapter of his choice....

   If you start caring about yourself than people will also start caring about you.

   Oh man, I almost forgot about The Alamo.

   I try to look on the bright side of everything, except for the sun, because it burns my retinas

   If Kal-El, son of Jor-El had landed in Jamaica instead of in Kansas, he would be known as 'Supermon'.

   Two days ago Lance Armstrong had 7 more Tour De Frances than me. This has been quite a comeback from me.

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!

   My ideal job is probably just singing the "Not this time" part in that En Vogue song "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)".

   I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up. I did however get 6 years in jail for armed robbery on a Gas Station

   I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking

   I like to go to Best Buy and drink a cup of coffee in front of the Geek Squad guys then hand them my empty cup and tell them I successfully installed Java....they hate me

   Can I add you on Facebook ? Cos I would like to Poke you

   brought to you today...by the neighbor's router