Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kind people without hidden agendas rock my world.

   Does it count as saving someone's life if you just refrain from killing them?

   Sometimes I wonder if my mind is an amusement park for demons.

   Tell me everything but dont use words.

   One of the office girls just told me she does yoga. I innocently said yoga is more of a spectator sport for me. Off to HR again…

   Face down, ass up, skip yoga, chase the icecream truck.

   Angry drunks have everyone's phone number.

   I dont ask much of my women, just call me Daddy and do everything I say.

   Bruno Mars looks like a nice lesbian. I think he and Justin Bieber would make a cute interr@cial couple.

   My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that i'll lose power and can't Facebook.

   if you're absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success.

   Flush twice. Key West needs water.

   My hurricane tip of the day: if you live in the Northeast, OMG HURRICANE COMING PANIC......

   procuring stones to cast at thou.

   Before you start telling people lies, make sure they don't already know the truth. Lest you make a fool of yourself.

   Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind her is me checking out her ass.

   I don't want perfect, I want honesty.

   The most popular costume tonight is "girl that won't talk to me."

   Ladies; loving your husband comes down to 2 simple points. 1. Accept his flaws. 2. Point them out when losing any argument.

   My wife gets a bit irritated when I talk about my second and third marriage because, you know, she's my first.