Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriages are made in heaven by angels who themselves are happy bachelors.

   And for my next trick, I am gonna make 20 of my FB friends delete and block me in next 10 hours.

   I forgive people immediately, after Karma gets them for me.

   I don't want to be owned, but I do want to be possessed.

   The problem with feelings is WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?

   I love you.... and your weed.

   I need a Stalker that will take out the trash before going thru it

   Ever notice the bigger the girl, the more Looney Tunes characters she has on her shirt.

   Ubid, Deal Dash and all other penny auctions are gambling sites for shopaholics.

   Aerosmith on the Today Show. Willard Scott Wished them all a happy 100th birthday.

   Today when you are looking at your pay-stub, keep in mind that the 48 million people on welfare like you!!

   wondering what wine goes best with cheerios?

   Dance like the photo's not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Sing like nobody's following. Share like you care. And do it all like it won't end up on FACEBOOK.

   That sense of entitlement, where do I get one of those?

   Boss: You can't drink while you're working! Me: Oh, I'm not working.

   If crazy were a place, it would be here.

   Great minds think alike. But dirty minds think the same.

   Oh I get it. Winnie the Pooh Bear can climb a tree with no pants, but when I have a few drinks and do it, people start freaking out.

   You're not a real man until you've electrocuted yourself.

   I don't mean to brag, but I unclog all my own pipes.