Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woman, us men salute you. Your ability to take a load in the eye and up the nose when we miss your mouth, like a champ, is recognised

   There is nothing a drunk me and some bullets can't fix.

   I want my 15 mins of fame to happen in the bedroom.

   The only way to be the best husband or boyfriend in the world is by listening and not talking.

   "Hurricane Sandy roars up the east coast generating 80mph winds and substantial precipitation." Big deal. Want to impress me? Stand directly in front of my GF after I come home drunk from the bar at 3am for more then 5 minutes.

   My bud just updated his Facebook status: "I love my girlfriend so much. You are my world xxxxx." I wonder why her name's encrypted.

   Just saw a laundry soap advertisement showing how it can even remove dried up blood stains off of clothing. If you're clothing is covered in dried blood, I'm thinking that's not your biggest problem.

   I want to be the reason your pants tighten.

   Give me Cunnilingus or give me death.

   I'm not full of hate. There's still room for a little more.

   Just saw a homeless man with a blue tooth. It was his only tooth.

   So drunk I am eating spaghetti with a comb.

   Every woman thinks she's fat except the ones that are.

   I'm knee deep in pu$$y. Seriously, my 19 cats love the hell outta me.

   Sorry I haven't been around much guys. Been out having sex and doing things. Minus the sex and things

   If she really loves her cat, then that's who's making the most important decisions in her life.

   Bands will make her dance, Food Stamps will make her twerk. But if Romne why becomes president, yall hos will have to work.

   The Steelers must have partied hard last night...They're still wearing their Halloween costumes! ツ

   Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It's like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, "Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?"

   Felt kinda weird to tell my old School bus dricer that she's too old for me now.