Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any kids dressed as Obama, who have worked real hard and have a bunch of candy, will be required to give it to me, cause I had rather have took a nap instead of collecting my own candy. Thank you!

   ┐('.'┐) ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ (┌'.')┌ Cause this is Thriiiiiiilleeeeeeer

   mad props to New York for dressing up as New Orleans for Halloween.

   Finally - there is going to be a Disney Princess dad's won't have to be ashamed to admit they like... Princess Liea.

   Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.

   Gangnam Style is a clear example that Americans don't give a crap about lyrics

   Tell me what you want, so I can be sure to ignore you more efficiently.

   Just remember when you are handing kids candy for coming to your door that you may be creating a future Jehovah's Witness.

   The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o' clock.

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   I just invented a time machine for you so that you can travel back in time and, quite literally, go f*ck yourself. Twice.

   You make a valid point, but there is a major flaw in your argument. You assume that I'm listening to you.

   it "for f*cks sake" or "for f*ck sake"? It's for work, so I want to make sure this e-mail is professional...

   Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"

   Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night.

   I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious.

   I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string.

   A pinata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.

   Girls during Halloween have Definitely made new meaning to Trick. Or Treat...