Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know some female spiders eat the male spider after mating? She's like "Ya sure I'll have your babies and you for dinner"

   A good and funny punishment for any man who hits a woman is to be thrown in a cage full of hungry lionesses. Those b itches don't play.

   We live in a dark age. An age where it's not okay to commit murder but it's okay for fat girls to wear leggings.

   Haven't shaved for so long I'm now the proud owner of a furgina!

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!

   Survival tip: always carry at least one banana peel cause you never know when you'll be chased by some criminal.

   Justin Bieber is the crocs of the music industry. People claim they hate it but the company is doing really well so some of you must be lying!

   Bees are the original suicide bombers.

   I spend 90% of my day either eating or thinking about my next meal.

   I respect every woman's decision to undergo plastic surgery to go from being ugly to being ugly and disgusting.

   Britney Spears is a judge on the X Factor and Khloe Kardashian is a host. Is this a circus or a music competition?

   Just listened to a One Direction song and now I'm a 16 year old girl called "Amy"

   I went too bed at 1:30 2 times last night

   Day 4; I'm Thankful my dad got drunk and did my mom in the back seat of his 64 Dodge Dart...Thanks Pabst Blue Ribbon

   My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

   Airport security asked "what's the purpose of your visit?" So I said "to terrorise the ladies!" and we laughed and laughed and I'm being deported.

   You're really good at forgetting that I exist.

   A slut on Facebook who used to post semi-nude pics of herself has just posted a bible verse. There is hope and redemption for everyone after all.

   No no I like you, just not you can touch my phone like you.

   My phone and my stove are arguing about what time it is. This won't end well.