Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My parents encouraged me to become a foreign exchange student until they learned I would eventually come back.

   95 and Hazy today, kind of like Bernie Sanders

   There is no logical reason why summer shorts should cost the same as long pants.

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when what they really want is Revenge.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!

   Well it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now.

   Why do ballerinas always stand on their toes? They should hire taller ballerinas...

   Soccer: A game so simple-minded they can teach roosters how to play it. 🐓

   I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

   Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

   If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

   Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

   The only thing that distinguishes us from dogs is their ability to learn from their mistakes

   I've made some terrible life choices over the years. Just kidding. I'm married and not allowed to make decisions.

   If you don't own a dog whistle then you can always use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.

   Even though I'm feeling it, I don't believe in this extreme heat I'm feeling.

   Worshiping a piece of fabric is what life is all about.

   Well it looks like Richard Branson is going to win the millionaire space race which is one small step for Richard one giant leap before Jeff Bezos.

   You know what 50 Cent did when he got hungry? 58. Please don't delete me.

   I’ve heard you should do one thing that scares you each day so today I’m going to walk into my son’s room without holding my nose.