Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you come to me looking for advice, then let's just start out with your poor judgment of whom to go to for advice, shall we?

   I'll drink enough for both of us because I'm just a caring person.

   A real woman can raise a child by herself, but a real man would never LET her

   Apparently "To get all this weed delivered" is not an appropriate answer when the cop pulls you over and asks why you were speeding.

   There's a first time for everything. Except déjà vu.

   I always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out BOOM extra taco.

   Dinner for two at a fancy restaurant $75, A bottle of wine and scented candles $30, Finding out she swallows...Priceless

   In the apocalyptic movie, 2012, New York was flooded in October.

   Black chicks stay saying a white chick is "trying to act black." Meanwhile, they have blonde weave and sky blue contacts. Sit down midnight!

   Here's to the kisses that I snatched, and Vice versa. Bottoms up fellas.

   when people refer to "the world's oldest profession" do they mean gardening?...Genesis refers to a Garden of Eden in the beginning

   fee fee fi fee fi fo fum. Mike Tysons cell phone number.

   Keep Calm and....and who am I kidding just Kick Ass!

   Age 11: “I whip my hair back & forth!” Age 27: “I drive my kids back & forth!” Age 72: “I rock my chair back & forth!”

   I feel confident that Laim Neeson would be there for me if I listed him as my emergency contact.

   My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness.

   Saying “Hey, I just met you, and this is Crazy..” is how I used to introduce my ex to new people.

   A relationship where you can act like complete idiots together is the sweetest thing ever.

   Texts that piss me off: 1. Yeah 2. Oh 3. Yup 4. Lol 5. Haha 6. K 7. Nope 8. Chillin 9. Naw

   The moment when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.