Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyday I thank the Lord Bear Grylls doesn't have his own cooking show

   After spending over millions of dollar on the Election Campaing, I heard Romney is broke now..... He can clean up my neighbors yards with all them Rep. signs, i'll pay him in food stamps.

   I'm 7 1/2 hours into my 8hour workday, from here on out my payroll is for me and my family. You're welcome America!

   Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It's just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about.

   I thought she was trying to tell me that masturbation was wrong. What she was really saying was she didn't want me doing it in her kitchen.

   I need a hug. From your thighs.

   My love comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes.

   Some things get in the way of my happiness so I ignore them.

   You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.

   Denver is going to be the mile "really" high city...

   My brain will dispose of you in a split second, my heart on the other hand will hold on like a hoarder.

   Congratulations to all who won in the election and my condolences to all who have lost I wish you all the best in the future. Now please get your dayum signs off my street corners. Have a great day.

   The more she claps her hands while talking, the more children she has had with different fathers.

   When I hit send while texting on my IPhone I hold my finger lightly over the speaker hole then hit send and it makes a tiny little fart sound ! Fun !

   No matter how useless you feel, take pleasure in the fact that you're someone's reason to masturbate.

   I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.

   People who think women are weaker than men should know that male lions only kill men when they are threatened or hungry while lionesses kill for fun.

   All I can see is : Kenyans are really Good with Marathon.

   ** Breaking News, stores in Colorado and Washington are having a hard time keeping up with the demand for Funyuns. Store owners say the demand has grown a million times since yesterday. **

   I'm not real good about sharing my feelings unless I hate you.