Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I respect every woman's decision to undergo plastic surgery to go from being ugly to being ugly and disgusting.

   Britney Spears is a judge on the X Factor and Khloe Kardashian is a host. Is this a circus or a music competition?

   Just listened to a One Direction song and now I'm a 16 year old girl called "Amy"

   I went too bed at 1:30 2 times last night

   Day 4; I'm Thankful my dad got drunk and did my mom in the back seat of his 64 Dodge Dart...Thanks Pabst Blue Ribbon

   My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

   Airport security asked "what's the purpose of your visit?" So I said "to terrorise the ladies!" and we laughed and laughed and I'm being deported.

   You're really good at forgetting that I exist.

   A slut on Facebook who used to post semi-nude pics of herself has just posted a bible verse. There is hope and redemption for everyone after all.

   No no I like you, just not you can touch my phone like you.

   My phone and my stove are arguing about what time it is. This won't end well.

   Nothing wrong with borrowing a girl's virginity, you just kiss her on the forehead after and she gets it back.

   If you constantly post pics of you and your partner kissing, I am going to give you all the privacy you need...by deleting your ass.

   The last person to enter the house's of parliament with honourable initiations was Guy Fawkes!

   i time traveled tonight without using a DeLorean

   Cant Help Eavesdropping to a Group of Senior Citizens as they Reminisce their College Life... Funny and Disgusting at the same time..

   Last week Honey Boo Boo endorsed President Obama. I knew Obama was pro birth control but I didn't realize the poster child for birth control was pro Obama.

   I set my daylight savings time back 13 years so I could party like it was 1999!

   Don't forget to change your clocks tonight and to change your president on Tuesday

   At 2AM tonight it's Daylight Savings or "Drunk Dial Everyone You Know" night as my party buddies like to call it.