Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need a man. But I want one. That means those of you with no jobs, no cars and no money still stand a chance.

   If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell haven't had enough vodka. Here is another glass.

   Let me raise a glass in your honor so I can smash it against your head.

   It's not our fault you have a small d ick so don't take it out on us. Really, don't take it out.

   Does this hot water bottle and 12 cats in my bed make me look like I've given up on life?

   I'm going to start smoking again until I find someone better to do with my mouth.

   Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.

   The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

   Who else finds it incredibly hot when your partner stays awake during sex?

   It's all fun and games making fun of me and my fanny pack until you find out there's an ounce of meth in it.

   Santa put me in charge of the naughty list this year. So if you have been naughty inbox me so we can talk about your punishment and gift.

   The thought of you makes me clench my thighs......hard.

   keep scrolling... I got nothing!!

   Rocky Mountain High? John Denver was able to foresee the future! Well, except for the whole running out of gas in an airplane thing.

   Big bird is now out of "WITNESS PROTECTION"

   Who won??? The giant douche or the turd sandwich??!

   Baby with a face like yours, I bet you just beat off all the guys!

   thinking it's time to stand up! My bum is numb...

   Cold toilet seats are no joke.

   I complained about a headache. Then I met a man with no head.