Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.

   Denver is going to be the mile "really" high city...

   My brain will dispose of you in a split second, my heart on the other hand will hold on like a hoarder.

   Congratulations to all who won in the election and my condolences to all who have lost I wish you all the best in the future. Now please get your dayum signs off my street corners. Have a great day.

   The more she claps her hands while talking, the more children she has had with different fathers.

   When I hit send while texting on my IPhone I hold my finger lightly over the speaker hole then hit send and it makes a tiny little fart sound ! Fun !

   No matter how useless you feel, take pleasure in the fact that you're someone's reason to masturbate.

   I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.

   People who think women are weaker than men should know that male lions only kill men when they are threatened or hungry while lionesses kill for fun.

   All I can see is : Kenyans are really Good with Marathon.

   ** Breaking News, stores in Colorado and Washington are having a hard time keeping up with the demand for Funyuns. Store owners say the demand has grown a million times since yesterday. **

   I'm not real good about sharing my feelings unless I hate you.

   People who always say "love is blind" need to be reminded that Stevie Wonder is divorcing his wife

   Alright...who else is making plans to move to Colorado?

   People who always say "love is blind" need to be reminded that Stevie Wonder is divorcing his wife.

   According to Apple Maps, Obama is now President of most of Canada.

   Mitt Romney's campaign slogan, 'Keep America American,' the same as a phrase used by the KKK? Interesting...

   Honey Boo-Boo endorsed Obama on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Was that so momma could buy their paint chips on a snap card?

   With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!

   Over Six Billion Dollars were spent on this Election Campaign, so that Americans can be in the exact same place they were in Before it started. Well done, America... Well. Done.