Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ■Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head into my chest and lean forward, cause that's how I roll.

   I don't know why hospitals need to advertise. It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead...

   remember kids to always try 100%...not just 53%...u still need that other 47% to get things done

   No thats not SWAG, thats just an idiot who doesn't know what a belt is.

   Stock tip: Buy Frito-Lay, Little Debbie and any other snack food stock... The people in Colorado and Washington State are going to be getting the munchies.

   In honor of the his re-election pants are at half ass across the country.

   I wish I could move out of country now, however immigrant laws of other countries prevent me from doing that... I hear the U.S is pretty lenient on immigrants, I might try there.... Doooope

   I'm making a list of people I like. The ones who say "autumn" instead of "fall" are the first ones I'm crossing off

   Figured I could get both of today's major statuses out of the way today with one word: Snowbama!

   I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them

   What? As of 22:00 GMT, Obama got 60,432,775 votes. Romney got 57,631,452 votes.

   Breaking news: Colorado will soon be re-named Little Amsterdam and will host Cheech and Chong Headquarters. Also there will be a state Bong: Chong's Bongs! that is all!

   I came a long way in therapy with my weird obsession of using shapes and numbers, but yesterday I slipped up and now I'm back to square one.

   If Evolution were REALLY a real thing,,,,, A LONG time ago, Men would have developed a defence to the ole "kick in the nuts"

   Everyday I thank the Lord Bear Grylls doesn't have his own cooking show

   After spending over millions of dollar on the Election Campaing, I heard Romney is broke now..... He can clean up my neighbors yards with all them Rep. signs, i'll pay him in food stamps.

   I'm 7 1/2 hours into my 8hour workday, from here on out my payroll is for me and my family. You're welcome America!

   Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It's just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about.

   I thought she was trying to tell me that masturbation was wrong. What she was really saying was she didn't want me doing it in her kitchen.

   I need a hug. From your thighs.