Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're sleeping next to Elmo.

   DO NOT tickle me, Elmo!

   Google a boy or a girl? Obviously a girl because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

   Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.

   Last night I found an actual cricket in my bed. Oh the irony!

   I'm starting to think that all those hours in school when I practiced writing my autograph was just a waste of time.....

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

   ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   Jail Me Elmo , Just in time for the Holiday season, " Hello My Name is Elmo , Can you say Incarcerated?"

   Elmo is a gay black 52 year old child molester.... Childhood = RUINED.

   So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you've fallen off the face of the earth??

   If a zombie apocalypse ever really happened, I imagine it would look something like the grocery aisles at Walmart around 4pm.

   What did Arnold scwhatzneger and Tiger wood say to the General P? ...... ew still working on a punchline...

   Texas wants to become its own Country. Great we can boost our economy by building a wall around it.

   The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won't do as she is told.

   I don't like mornings because that's when old people are the strongest.

   ......Update status, nobody likes?...... -_- (1) Deletes Facebook profile (2) Move to a next country (3) Change name (4) Start new life =)