Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mitt Romeny's sitting in the dark somewhere drinking decaf and rubbing sweet and low on Sarah Palin's gums.

   I feel bad for the kids these days that see a cool toy on TV, but can't order it because their parents have to be over 18 to call.

   Sorry to hear about your breakup. If it's any consolation, I don't know what he ever saw in you.

   I haven't bathed in so long I'm starting to smell European.

   'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

   My friend who was being beaten by two guys saw me and he yelled "Are you just gonna stand there and do nothing?!". So I took a video and posted it on youtube.

   Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer? Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

   Yes, I will judge you by how you treat other people even if you're sweet as pie to me. Be kind or go to hell.

   I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

   What the hell is a 'stable relationship' and is it as horrible as it sounds?

   The perfect man is the one that can afford my therapy bills.

   I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.

   Tagged Photos-Rule #1: The hottest girl in the pic is the one not tagged.

   Just because I don't post it everyday doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the things I have.

   Now that Colorado has legalized marijuana it is only logical they change the Rocky Mountains to the Smokey Mountains

   Let's leave Florida out of it next time. They've got enough on their plate, no need to burden them with national concerns.

   Marriage: Women giving up the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

   Just made a dentist appt to have my eyes checked. I can't hear a thing.

   Your dirtier than my browsers history!

   Once you realize that someone is rubbing you the wrong way and you are convinced that there will never be a happy ending, you are undoubtedly in a bad relationship or,,,, you are being massaged by a witch.