Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any chair is a high chair if you smoke enough weed.

   I rated my wife's cooking on urbanspoon.. I sure hope she does not see it.

   First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?

   My dentist just told me I have 6 months to live.

   And for all of you who are Telepathic...............

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   Wait,,,, If I say something in the woods and my wife is not around to hear it,,, am I still wrong?

   My cat keeps bugging me for an Instagram account so he can show you his bowl of cat-food......... Every day

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   9 year old girl in boys football league with 232 carries, ran for 1,911 yards, 35 tds, and 65 tackles?! WTF?! Young lady is an inspiration!!! Never let society limit your dreams!!!

   if Big Foot's actually existed don't you think someone would've found a skeleton by now??

   Judge told me I had to go to the DMV to get a "blow and go" I was so excited I ran to the hottest girl at the DMV. Now waiting for a bail bondsman because apparently our definitions of a blow and go are waaaay different

   The thing about Truth is, it is always True!

   John Denver's “Rocky Mountain High” the new official song for the state of Colorado...

   I love strippers. They're awesome. Plus I can't get my girlfriend to do shi t for a dollar.

   Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your a$$hole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

   Marry the person who makes you forget about Facebook and thank them for saving your life.

   The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is DANCE BATTLE

   I think my virginity is growing back.