Funny Status Messages

   Lets treat guns like printers, expensive ink and bullets! that way if you really shoot someone,....oh you really meant to kill them with this $3000 silver bullet!

   if Steve jobs invented the MAC computer, does that make him the original "Mac Daddy"?

   Can we start a rumor that all Ed Hardy & Tapout shirts are bullet proof?

   I still can't believe I was cited for running through the park naked when it was clearly evident I had black socks on! ツ

   Abuelita , Me das $50? QUE!? Que te de $40? Para que quieres $30 si con $20 es suficiente?... Ten $10 why dale $5 a tu hermano!

   Other than THAT, Mrs. Kennedy...how did you enjoy the ride in the convertible?

   I'll never forget the awesome feeling in kindergarten when I had the largest box of crayons with the sharpener.

   Sorry,,,, My dog ate my homework. -Culinary student.

   Bartender says "we don't serve time travelers here".... Two time travelers walk into a bar.

   You know you're an adult when the prize at the bottom of a cerealnbox is regular bowel movements

   Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid.

   Don't send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.

   Just took a photo of myself naked. A hundred 'likes' within the next hour, or I'll post it.

   It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day. Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.

   So when a woman says "I'm fine" am I supposed to buy flowers, chocolates or both?

   Being a man is great until you hear a noise late at night and realize you are the one that has to go investigate...

   30 Days Of Gratitude: Day 14: You're all welcome. (Am I doing it right?)

   My girlfriend does this awesome trick with a cherry stem in her mouth. She doesn't talk for about 7 minutes.

   To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!

   There needs to be a new traffic light color. Something like blue that means "Hey, stop texting. The light's about to turn Green."