Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Think of all the chances you lost because of shyness!

   Its funny when a slut has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.

   It is my mission to make you laugh so hard you will cry before you die.

   Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   If you're reading this "send money"!!!!!!

   Go ahead and seceded, you will lose Hollywood and New York and you will gain Texas. YEE-HAW!

   Judging by the empty seats at Dolphin's games, football is doomed in Miami. Time to realize it's soccer and thug roundball city down there. Will the last American to leave Miami please bring the goalposts?

   while strolling thru the park, a dog bit my nutsack...that I carry to feed the squirrels.

   Have you ever broiled a turkey for Thanksgiving? It's not bad if you don't mind your turkey a little rare. Okay, very rare but....

   hi ho hi ho it's off to school I go! I don't learn much because the teacher is nuts ...hi ho hi ho

   you can have Jack Frost!! I want Jack Daniels :)

   I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!

   sippin' my coffee in peace and quiet!! Life is good :)

   If it smells like fish, it's a tasty dish...if it smells like cologne, leave it alone.

   A delete and block combo coming right up.

   When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail.

   if you have a job where you have to wear a nametag, nobody gives a sh!t what your name is.

   based on those Storage War tards, my s hit is worth $3.2 million...

   Nothing worse than staying the night at the girlfriend's house for the first time and having diarrhea.

   Its like the Mayans knew this was coming........CIA has been compromise, No mo tickle me Elmo, and Slena went Str8 again