Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

   Who else finds it incredibly hot when your partner stays awake during sex?

   It's all fun and games making fun of me and my fanny pack until you find out there's an ounce of meth in it.

   Santa put me in charge of the naughty list this year. So if you have been naughty inbox me so we can talk about your punishment and gift.

   The thought of you makes me clench my thighs......hard.

   keep scrolling... I got nothing!!

   Rocky Mountain High? John Denver was able to foresee the future! Well, except for the whole running out of gas in an airplane thing.

   Big bird is now out of "WITNESS PROTECTION"

   Who won??? The giant douche or the turd sandwich??!

   Baby with a face like yours, I bet you just beat off all the guys!

   thinking it's time to stand up! My bum is numb...

   Cold toilet seats are no joke.

   I complained about a headache. Then I met a man with no head.

   "Doctor" is the most distinguished title that sounds like "dog turd."...just an observation, that's all @(ᵕ.ᵕ)@

   How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?

   Don't worry, ladies. Cellulite goes away when you bend over.

   Grammar Nazis have typo negative blood.

   I don't really care what you think of me!! Unless you think I'm awesome. In which case you would be right :)

   Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities.

   Just took a dump without my phone. Where do I collect my Nobel Peace Prize?