Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....

   Colorado Legalizes Marijuana and peyton manning buys 20 papa johns stores in Colorado! some people just get it!

   You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.

   Jesus hung out with the prostitutes an sick people. That's what I do whenever I go to a bar.

   Women like to hear things like, I love you and you're so pretty, while men like to hear things like, you're not the father or I swallow.

   If there is an afterlife, I will spend all of it in the statistics archives looking up how many beers I drank, hours I spent on fb, etc...

   I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Big Mac and moaned.

   All flights to Colorado have been cancelled. The sky is just too foggy.

   A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

   A woman is never more persuasive than when she's holding a shotgun or a bacon sandwich.

   I went horseback riding yesterday, it was awesome feeling the wind in my hair...... Till the K-mart manager came out and said I had to leave...jerks!

   My cat is totally drinking soda out of my glass and I don't even give a shit 'cause I want her to stay up late with me to write rap songs.

   I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.

   Buy her alcohol, lots of alcohol. Women love it when you buy them alcohol.

   I don't need a man. But I want one. That means those of you with no jobs, no cars and no money still stand a chance.

   If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell haven't had enough vodka. Here is another glass.

   Let me raise a glass in your honor so I can smash it against your head.

   It's not our fault you have a small d ick so don't take it out on us. Really, don't take it out.

   Does this hot water bottle and 12 cats in my bed make me look like I've given up on life?

   I'm going to start smoking again until I find someone better to do with my mouth.