Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's always better to be the crop duster than the dusted crop!

   I wonder if teachers play the “who's a virgin” game in their heads in class.

   Condoms are just like parents...they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around.

   the wrong brother got fired...

   The Lakers fired Mike Brown They should now Hire Stan Van Gundy just to see Dwight Howards face.

   Love is trusting someone around your butt-hole.

   I came I saw I did not take it in the ass.

   When buying new sunglasses, always ask yourself, “Do these make me look like a Kardashian or a pedophile?”

   Sometimes I feel sorry for God.... He's a single parent and all his children are jerks who think they know it all.

   Only 33 days until the end of the world. Why is everyone acting so normal?

   I walk in on my wife putting on wrinkle cream. I ask what she's doing....she replies "Ironing"!!

   Sign over a gynecologist's office - "Dr. Levy, at your cervix."

   Santa, this Christmas all I want is a fat bank account and a slim body. Lets not mix the two up like last year, ok?

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there's no place like home.

   Breaking News: Romney buys rights to all Jack in the Box tacos sold in Colorado

   I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."

   So if you ever want to experience the closest thing to a zombie apocalypse, all you have to do is wait in line for Black Friday at your nearest Wal-Mart...

   Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?

   Trying to improve my street cred by lowering our minivan a couple inches.

   remember when being homecoming queen meant you were hot and popular