Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   I remember when Santa said I was to old to sit on his lap. Well that was last year, this year I am wearing a disguise.

   Only 16 more days for December to Remember that, no one loves you enough to buy you a Lexus.

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity...

   Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.

   Siri is the only form of intelligent communication I've talked to on my phone since October 4, 2011.

   2005 Batman Begins / Obama sworn in senate 2008 Dark Knight / Obama elected as president 2012 Dark Knight Rises / Obama re-elected Maybe Batman is actually...

   Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.

   It's really funny to see a cat fall off a bed, til it grabs your leg.

   its gotten so bad around here, someone is trying to start a Macarena dance....

   Drawback to having really long hair: Just pulled what looks like that thing from The Grudge out of our bathtub drain.

   Either you suck at spelling or you own an iPhone or both kid.

   People say Alcohol kills too many people. They don't realize how's my people are born because of it.

   Don't ever question my loyalty because you'll scare it away forever.

   It must suck to have just one arm.... Until you get arrested.

   Getting a cavity filled tomorrow... Geesh, I hate going to the airport

   With all these scandals w/ big bird & now elmo I'm kinda glad they nvr told me how 2 get 2 sesame st.

   When I was at the gym again this morning, I thought to myself "How can I subtly tell everyone that I always go to the gym?"

   I always wondered what a ''Chimichanga" was. Just found out. It's a bad case of diarrhea....

   When life gives you lemons, get some Tequila and call me