Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder why God made cocaine taste better when mixed with stripper body glitter and why I'm not allowed to ask questions in church anymore.

   Don't sweat those numerous UFO sightings over Russia. I just gave Earth a 1 star rating and a lousy review on TripAdvisor. That should send them packing.

   There's a lot of people in the world pretending they don't know who I am.

   Ladies, no one wants to motorboat your rib cage. Eat a sandwich.

   Microwaving stuff which claims to be non-microwavable is kinda my thing.

   Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome............................. Take your time,,, I'll wait

   Tesco - It's the little things that make Christmas. Yeah, Vietnamese kids in sweat shops.

   I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.

   Today I am thankful for the 5th dentist who overcame extreme prejudice by defiantly standing against the other 4 dentists and chose NOT to recommend sugarless gum for his patients who chewed gum.

   hmmm, I wonder where the girls that ate the poopoo out of the cup are today?

   Forget the Mayans, if Twinkies makers don't return to work by 5 pm, the world ends today.

   A Mayan in a landscaper uniform at the gas station just winked at me while I took a sip of my coffee and smiled and said enjoy it while you can.!! WTF

   I have more respect for the toilet paper I just wiped my ass with than I do for Donald Trump.

   Just did my morning run!! (from the bed to the bathroom) I feel so invigorated.

   This morning! I went to the front door naked, not sure what freacked out the post women more. The fact that I was naked or that I knew where she lived.

   Hey! Stop attacking Donald Trump. She is a nice chubby older Polish woman and she deserves some respect.

   Screw you IHOP...why the hell am I banned? The waitress clearly asked me where I wanted the whipped cream... I just showed her.

   Dec 21st falls on a Friday... What a sh*tty way to start the weekend..

   Seriously, if Liam Neeson was my dad I'd start so much crap with people...

   Lets treat guns like printers, expensive ink and bullets! that way if you really shoot someone,....oh you really meant to kill them with this $3000 silver bullet!