Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm very, very, very descriptive

   My friend wanted to use my apartment to clone himself,,, I said “Please, make yourself at home”

   I will immediately switch over to the iphone the moment they replace Siri's voice with the voice of Kate Beckinsale.

   I hate when I'm driving and I get lost. I'm at the intersection of Martin Luther King Blvd. and Reverend Al Sharpton Way. No biggie, I'll just get out and ask for directions.

   It is good to be regular people, at least no one will know when you have affair.

   difference between jam and jelly..I cant jelly my D..k into her mouth

   whether its for you or her. Women want more Mouth in the South.

   I've single handedly defeated my erection...

   Day 10 - I am thankful for toilet paper... no explaination needed.

   Bieber & Gomez split up? Does this mean he is finally coming out of the closet?

   HEADLINE - Bieber & Gomez split up! This was my rock, my reason for living - what is left, my world is crumbling around me - how will I continue living ? Wait.. where am I ? I thought this was an article about Captain Crunch being discontinued.

   There is an idiot trying to soil B EGO's good name.

   I'm not clumsy. It's just that the floor hates me, the tables & chairs are bullies & the wall gets in the way.

   I'm not positive...but I think that the "Rinse and Repeat" slogan is just a ploy from the big companies to get me to buy more than 365 bottles of shampoo next year............... I really don't think I'm that gullible......

   Happy 237th birthday Marines!

   I am the Electrical Engineer. Bring it on....

   Two words: Bubble wrap. Two more words: Can't stop.

   What's the largest "Jousting Lance" I can attach to the hood of my car,,,, legally?

   Hey,,, People who drive old retired cop cars........ NOBODY likes you either.

   Well,, It took 40 years to finally figure out the answer to the "what do you want to be when you get older" question..................... Younger