Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fortune Cookie: Woman who go fishing with six men...go home with red snapper.

   Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

   I'm the Michael Jordan of all sports, because I haven't played any since like 2003.

   I now have 98 problems (thanks to abortion).

   We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played

   If these walls could talk, there would just be one more thing in this house that doesn't answer me when I speak.

   To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen”

   I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!

   Sometimes I screw up intentionally just so I can say, “You were right dear” B itches love hearing “You were right dear”

   I've done a lot of stuff to see beautiful women naked....but Twitter has got to be the most labor intensive

   Part of the reason I'm entertained by things that my girlfriend hates is because my girlfriend hates them.

   If I was black I wouldn't buy Band-Aids til they made them in my skin color, just sayin.

   Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?

   I'm really sorry LMFAO, I'm gonna have to start shuffling every other day. The soles of my shoes are wearing out too quickly.

   i'm looking for the type of girl I can close my eyes and wish for every time its 11:11 and then open my eyes and see the most beautiful sandwich

   Single and failing to mingle.

   Nothing better than starting the morning with a workout. And by workout, I mean sex.

   If it doesn't add value, subtract that shi t.

   Why do British people never sound British when they sing?