Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He said "I don't know." I replied "I'm not coming in this morning"

   Not sure if I slept or just drifted into a brief coma... can't explain this taste in my mouth either.

   According to my Domino's Pizza Tracker,,, It's currently in my lower colon...

   Are you cold?" No dumbass, I'm on fuc?ing vibrate mode.

   Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol one sec

   Me with no money: I want everything... Me with money: what the f?ck do I buy

   Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked to but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected.

   I was watching MMA and a NASCAR Race broke out!!!!

   I praise these men and women of this proud and God fearing nation they are so important to the history of this country with out them we would be under someone else's rule. I thank you mlitary men and women. Posted to the idiot who didn't sign his name!!

   why am I doing homework?? the world ends in 40 days

   One way to keep women out of NASCAR.... Don't throw the Yellow when she's stopped backwards on the race track...

   If you don't get a text or email for 10 minutes you restart your phone because its probably frozen, right?

   If they were to make a porn on my life, It would be fully clothed people apologizing to each other.

   ""What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.""

   It is ironic that Bain outsourced Levi's, Hagar, and EDS to India before their workers outsourced Mitts job to Kenya.

   Been trying to write a romantic poem for hours, but so far all I have is "a55 rocket".

   I'm so glad to see Selena Gomez has finally gone straight!

   I'm sure both Justin and Selena already have new boyfriends

   Justin and Selena broke up. I guess she got tired of dating girls and wants to give guys a try.

   Was Noah an animal hoarder?