Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Throught I had sexiest man alive in the bag, but Tatum won the electoral vote and I only won the popular vote.

   When my girlfriend's football team wins it makes her horny, so I just keep replaying the one time they did. I'm not stupid.

   Most women I know that wear the pants in a relationship, rarely wear pants.

   I bet that the McAfee AntiVirus 2013 will include anti-virus, anti-spam, and anti-murder your neighbor options!

   Dear Lord; On the road today. Please give me the strength not to run people over and make pancakes out of them. I have no syrup.

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write "SAVE TREES" on them.

   Booze is cheaper than therapy, and it doesn't keep asking, “and how did that make you feel?”

   Forget about walking the talk and talking the walk; it's time to drink the drink.

   Why can't I just win the stupid lottery already?

   Just dropped and cracked my iPhone. Obviously that's a sign that God wants me to upgrade.

   Paula Broadwell, General Petraeus' biographer, has been hired to write Bill Clinton's biography. Bill can't wait.

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for.Told him "Obama care".

   Who are we? ... men What do we want?... anything that's left over honey When do we want it? I'll take it myself honey.

   She broke my heart I broke her iPhone. Imagine who cried more?

   Think of all the chances you lost because of shyness!

   Its funny when a slut has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.

   It is my mission to make you laugh so hard you will cry before you die.

   Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   If you're reading this "send money"!!!!!!

   Go ahead and seceded, you will lose Hollywood and New York and you will gain Texas. YEE-HAW!