Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not outta style. I'm outta place.

   I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don't like to swallow...

   I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

   Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last 30 days.

   If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!

   Do these empty pockets make me look slim?

   I'm saving myself for prison.

   That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.

   I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.

   I don't know how girls can deep throat, I almost threw up because I forgot to chew a Mentos.

   I asked my wife for advice once. Worst three days of my life.

   I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive.

   All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Big woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.

   Sometimes I look at all this cool stuff I own and realise that I probably wouldn't have any of it if I was married.

   Fortune Cookie: Woman who go fishing with six men...go home with red snapper.

   Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

   I'm the Michael Jordan of all sports, because I haven't played any since like 2003.

   I now have 98 problems (thanks to abortion).

   We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played

   If these walls could talk, there would just be one more thing in this house that doesn't answer me when I speak.