Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - I like my women like I like my Internet porn blocker....disabled.

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him the f out. I bet he will think twice about asking that question again.

   Watching Nightmare Before Christmas with a nice mug of wine and a bag of Doritos. This is the post-graduate life.

   Thank goodness it was Twinkies and not Bacon

   I'm worried about my bed. It looks really lonely. I'd better give it a few extra hours of cuddling today

   It appears I'm friends with at least 200 babies on Facebook.

   If you have to ask someone “Didn't you get my text?” that person hates you.

   The first person you think of in the morning or last person you think of in the night is either the cause of your happiness or your pain

   You want to see a perfect relationship? Watch a damn movie

   If you're still here on December 22nd, you'll know I have successfully saved the world. In appreciation, I will accept money, exotic cars, and property as a form of payment. Now, if you'll excuse me....I have a job to do.

   i bet evry person that has ever been on The Maury Povich Show voted for Obama.

   FYI Friends; DO NOT "share" Nolan Daniels's photo. It only ruins YOUR chances of winning!

   If you shared that "I will give a random person 1 million dollars!" Powerball hoax on Facebook you might also want to send me $5000 to claim an additional $50,000 bonus prize.

   The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn

   So a man walks into a bar with a monkey.. I forgot the rest of the joke but your mother's a whòrë.

   There's something to be said for HOT coffee and Bailey's on a COLD day such as this ;)

   It's so cold out the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.

   You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.

   Some say the world ends in lees than a month... My question is this: If the world ends are we better off than 4 more years of Obama?.... Discuss...

   I would love to be a fly on the wall at this restaurant because it looks like the flies are having some kind of party on the wall!