Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl tells me i'm a flirt. I tell her i'm just trying to have sex with other women.

   Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, but there is Xbox.

   Facing the music and out dancing every single tune on it.

   Let me know when the power ball "Jokes" are over

   my neighbors house looks like Feliz Navidad threw up.

   There... crazy glued quarters to the ground in front of the vending machine at work...let the fun begin....

   What is the difference between a Snickers and Justin Bieber? The Snickers has nuts....ZING...

   This is the time of year when you can put mistletoe in your back pocket so that people who don't like you can kiss your...well you know...

   Note to the Administrators of PowerBall, I think you should award a prize for not having any of the numbers selected in Wednesdays $579 million drawing! Signed, Not a Fan of Missouri and Arizona

   Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide next month, simply because they believe the world will really end. On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January.

   Bill Gates made his name in software. Richard Branson made his name in air travel and media. Donald Trump made his in property. I made my name in Campbell's alphabet soup.

   All those years of saving and financial planning should get me through my retirement with relative ease. As long as the world ends on Dec. 21st.

   Maybe our Government should deal with the debt ceiling like Charlie and his Grandfather did in Willy Wonka during the fizzy lifting scene. Expel a lot of gas

   SCAM ALERT: If someone emails claiming to be your dad in heaven and needing $700 to pay a "be alive again fee".... t's a scammer not your dad.

   An onion just told me a joke. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

   My personal workout routine would include jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck & carrying too much weight on my shoulders.

   I'm sorry,,, But we need to find a way to somehow combine "Shark Week" and "New Years" into one event..

   hey Missouri Powerball winner! Show me... the money (someone had to say it first)

   Winners in Arizona and Missouri. The Arizona winner will blow it all on skin lotion, and the Missouri winner will blow it all on having someone prove to them that they actually won.

   a panhandlers standing outside of convenience store just asked me for "spare change" when I told him I didn't have any, he informed me that he takes debit/credit cards with a minimum of $3.00