Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing that could make a Cowboys fan feel better tonight is watching the Jets and being thankful that you aren't a fan of those underachievers.....

   In retaliation for the genocide of their people the Indians today magnificently beat the Cowboys in a game of football! All is even!

   My is coffee is broken. I added red bull and a five hour energy shot. I can now hear what my hair is thinking.

   I got up this morning and decided to put on my favorite fat jeans only to realize they have become just another pair of my skinny jeans.

   Turkey is one hell of a drug.

   Black Friday? Don't they already get February?

   I bought a pair of "Meatloaf" underwear today..on the front it says "I would do anything for Love" and on the back it says "But I wont do that"

   Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls

   I get tired of all the drama of family getting mad and running out the door every Thanksgiving! I believe a man is allowed to watch football naked in his own house!

   Whatever...... The kids table is more fun anyway.

   The best things about celebrating the holiday with family as you get older is the kids table now contains alcohol.

   I think if I ever win the lottery I'm gonna get all my ex girlfriends incorporated into a life size whack-a-mole game.

   Let's give thanks we live in a country where political disagreements are expressed with poorly spelled Facebook posts instead of missiles.

   Oh crap... you said laser tag? I thought it was taser tag. Well hopefully that kid wakes up soon... sorry about that.

   In case you were wondering how desirable I am, I once won 2nd place in a beauty pageant. OK, it was while I was playing Monopoly but it still counts dammit.

   I bought one of those Lance Armstrong bikes. I tried to put it together but it was missing a Nut.

   Everyone is talking about Black Friday, I havent even seen the previews! Is that the new Kim Kardashian documentary?

   There's a fine line between being a freak and being a creep, Don't make me cross that line!

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm using my hand, but I'm thinking of you.

   Gaining weight and growing a beard counts as multi-tasking right?