Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My back is not a voicemail, say it to my face.

   facebook is not a shower, keep your clothes on!

   Aren't we suppost to catch Kony this year or was that cancelled?

   Talked to this pimp today and he was pissed. I said why are you mad? he said I got to provide health insurance for my hos cuz I got more than 50 employed.

   trying to decide, laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.

   I'm not really superstitious. Usually, I'm just a little stitious…

   It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   My latest superpower is waking up one minute before my alarm goes off..... It's actually a very stupid superpower.

   I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!

   My favorite thing about Basketball is when it's Football.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb

   I wish I could participate in The Hunger Games against everyone I unfriended on Facebook!

   never ever going to drink again! That was 8 hours ago!! Cheers :)

   Sunday, my day of rest...Rest of the leftover booze!!!!

   As I lie here on my hungover bed of death, I shall re-evaluate my life and consider sobriety ...Tomorrow: repeat

   It's funny, the only time we can express our feelings is in a quote, and then we post it to complete strangers, at least they understand.

   Sunday, my day of rest!! Rest of the laundry, rest of the dusting, rest of the ....

   Speak English, kiss French, drive German, dress Italian, spend Arab, party Caribbean.

   My brother was born with Down's Syndrome. His teachers said he'd never amount to anything. Today he is an NFL referee.