Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My coffee doesn't talk to me, and my Rice Krispies are telling me to do some weird s hit, so I'll let vodka make most of my decisions.

   Uh guys,,, I just checked the forecast for the week of Dec. 17th... Mon: sunny,, Tues: sunny,, Wed: cloudy,, Thurs: Rainy,, Fri: FIRE,,, Sat: DEATH,,, Sun: N/A

   I hate it when I don't know what I'm talking about and you try and correct me!

   I finally met someone that used the words, "Cray, Cray". Where do I put the body? My yard is full.

   If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing I'd like to do is see what I could get for it on Craigslist

   If a recipe has more than 5 ingredients in it, I'm not makin' it. Because, weed & lazy.

   Another pair of my socks are getting a divorce...

   I just found out why Heidi Klum filed for divorce. Against her wishes....Seal would balance, spin, and bounce her up n' down on the tip of his nose whilst happily barking and clapping.

   The mighty pancake village has been razed to the ground by my fork of Nom and I, its wielder..

   If I ever get a really exotic car I'm going to get a vanity plate that says something like "Bubble King" or "Tuna Money" so people could wonder what the hell I ever did with bubbles or tuna to finance a car like that

   WebMD Says I have the hypochondria

   I have only had two loves in my life: Booze and something else

   The tattoo of Donald Trump's face on my anus is symbolic because he too is full of shi t, but my a$$hole has a better hairstyle

   Ask Bin Laden what a "scared little American with a gun" can do!!!

   Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can't figure out how to escape with all the windows down?

   If I were a medical examiner, halfway through every autopsy, I would say "Yep, he's definitely dead." Just to lighten the mood.

   GIRL LOGIC: maybe if I wear this shirt that shows my boobs i'll meet a nice guy who wants me For my personality

   Maybe Hostess will open back up in 10 years and hand out 5 golden twinkies...

   3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...

   I think all the call of duty's should have a PS3 vs. XBOX online game mode.