Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are going to have loud sex, make sure the guy isn't the loudest one.

   Hi, my name's Steve, or as the ladies like to call me "Hey, what the hell are you doing in that tree with those binoculars, get out of here you freak!!!"

   Its That time of the year to start wearing my Christmas outfit. Its all black, I have less chances of being seen when I am out at night rearranging peoples yard deer in to sex poses. I just feel Christmas needs more Ninjas!

   My mom says to me, "What makes you think you're so great?" I said, "What makes you think that I think that?" She goes, "Because you just dumped a bucket of Gatorade over your head."

   naughty or nice will always depend on....who's asking.

   Look officer,,, I commit like a pantload of crimes every single day,, So you're going to have to be A LOT more specific.

   Wait a second ... Water parks have restrooms ... For what?!

   Me: Hey, how's it going? Her: *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* Hey

   Writing your girl a love poem is a little less special when she helps you spell some of the words.

   A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette and exploded. What in the hell do they put in butterflies?

   Thinking with your Boehner: We'll punish the bottom 97% of small businesses to give the top 3% help they don't need

   Just once I'd like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p enis is.

   God, grant me serenity to accept that most people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile and the wisdom to realize murder is illegal.

   Old people can sleep through anything. Betting this chainsaw says differently.

   If we're side by side in bed and I can't keep my eyes off you, it means I'm really in love, or I'm gonna' slit your throat while you sleep.

   If you ask if I want my beer in a glass, I will punch you in the face for wasting valuable booze time with ridiculous questions.

   I booked into a hotel last night. I said to the receptionist, I hope the porn channel is disabled? She said "NO" it's regular porn you sicko.

   Why do I have a feeling that the people who correct the spelling and punctuation on Facebook posts are the same ones who got bullied a lot in school?

   I think I have Bieber fever. That's when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself right?

   If schools were supposed to prepare us for the adult world, we should've had a subject called "How to get away with murder".