Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it.

   The only foreplay I've been doing lately is turning the electric blanket on before I go to bed.

   The Hot New Toy this Christmas season will be "Outsource Me Elmo" Which is simply an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   To all you dumbasses who don't like my post... I don't like yours either!!!.

   Those saying what a great guy Jovan Belcher was seem to overlook he just killed his baby's mother!!

   I wonder why George Bailey never told Mr. Potter to just SUCK IT...

   Bacon jokes are so played. $hut up already and just go buy some.

   I went to the movies to see "Lincoln". The only thing they had at the snack bar were waffles and Log Cabin Syrup.

   The person below me needs help.

   Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless...

   it's that time of the year to again remind all the douchebags that think Xmas is a word that they are all going to Hell...

   Hey,, people who buy just 1-ply toilet paper at grocery stores,, Are you trying to quit??

   Say "cheese!" cuz I want you to look like a complete idiot in this picture.

   For sale: one toilet, one toilet seat and one roll of toilet paper. Because I just don't give a sh*t.

   it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!

   I refused to allow my doctor to diagnose me with OCD.. Acronyms must contain an even number of letters.

   I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

   If I ever get a vasectomy, I'm going to ask the doctor if they can make it so that, everytime I ejaculate, a little flag pops out that say “BAM!”

   I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light-bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.