Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The best stories ever told always end with the words"...and then I got the hell out of there." 
If anyone ever moans about you leaving a pile clothes on the floor, just tell them it's a dead Jedi.
Just played the board game Clue, The "Who killed music" version. Well turns out it was Nicki Minaj, in the studio, with a microphone.
I wonder if Colorado or Washington girl scouts can make "special cookies" to sale along with the others
remember when MTV actually stood for Music Television
The weekend just logged me out due to inactivity.
3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a someone who wont stop Inboxing meee...
On the 12th day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me- 12 people I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 holiday pet pictures, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 p
Hey teenage girls, Santa saw your facebook. Now you're only getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.
In my darker moments I despair over the injustices I will never be able to stop. Greed. Hunger. Plague. Here Comes Honey-boo-boo
Every Taylor Swift song sounds like a long drawn out Facebook status
Santa is really going to love the cookies he gets from Colorado and Washington this year..
you can half your cake and eat it in two.
"Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Uhhh... 'cause you've got white stuff all over your butt." ~ Guy who's really bad at pick-up lines ツ
jealous of his parents because he will never have a kid as awesome as theirs.
I respect you. I'm just not IN respect with you.
Why do people say you can;t have your cake and eat it too? That is the complete opposite of every cake having experience I have had in my life.
Last night at the bar tried a new pick up line - told a woman it was my birthday. Only thing that turned her on was the possibility of cake.
If distilleries donated a dollar for every whiskey shot done under an office desk, we could cure cancer by end of business today. 