Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am woman, hear me give you the silent treatment.

   For a boot that has been left outside since the early ‘90s, Kevin Bacon aged pretty well.

   If you think accidentally calling a fat woman "pregnant" is bad, you should see what happens when you call a pregnant woman "fat."

   I'd let you hold my boob before I'd let you hold my cell phone.

   I may not be as happy as you, but I make up for it with tequila and denying my problems exist.

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm just not taking any notice.

   You're from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can't decide which.

   People have a tendency to become like they are treated. If they are not like all the others, you might want to treat them differently.

   This misfiring soap dispenser reminds me of you!

   If you make me a mix tape don't ever expect to be rid of me.

   I'm the one your mother warned you about......to never let me be the one that got away.

   I love the taste of tuna, but I'm not a fan of the smell. This is true about something else as well, but I can't put my finger in it. Hmm.

   Why would I watch the Victoria Secret Angels when I have 3 mirrors in my room?

   The next person I hear blaring "Gangnam Style" at a stoplight is getting stabbed in the temples with an olive fork!

   My lack of Christmas shopping is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right

   Quick question: Is there anyone out there who has NOT gotten engaged, divorced or pregnant in 2012?

   I think "Charlie" In The Box is a little light in the spring. If ya know what I mean.

   1. Wear a life alert bracelet that says you need to be resuscitated by pizza. 2. Lie on the sidewalk. 3. Feast.

   Where there is alcohol, there is a way.

   hmmm....the red nose? the flying? aiding in transporting? and nervousness? Its obvious Rudolph has a cocaine problem.