Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmastime. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was 'cause my mom put eggnog in my bottle.

   All I want for Christmas is you.... to get run over by a reindeer!!!

   To mistake me for stupid, is to mistake you for smart.

   too hot* blanket off *too cold* Put blanket on *too hot again* Stick on foot out…..perfect. *hears creepy noise* Sticks foot back in

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   he songs I like always come on when I'm supposed to be getting out of my car.

   if silly bands make her dance... SHES TO YOUNG FOR YOU BRO

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.

   Read a story about a man who was killed by wave.. All I can think is how big was the other guy's hand?

   wishes exercising was just as easy to do as eating is.

   Thank you for the birthday wished. I'd comment on each of them, but I'm lazy. Plus this way those that have yet to wish me a happy birthday will see this post and be reminded to do so. Ultimately resulting in more birthday wishes on my FB wall. :0)

   What's with all this bullying crap ... Bullying has been around since the T'rex punked a lizard . You want to stop bullying teach your kid how to defend themselves , bullies hate a fight .

   A picture is like a thousand words so if your profile photo is bad, it's like reading the word ugly a thousand times.

   Sex, Food, Sleep, & Poops. General male happiness depends on how good these 4 things are at any given time.

   The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man's ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.

   when I'm happy, I drink and when I drink, I'm happy. Win/win!!

   You know It's not really an "American Girl Doll ®" without cuts on it's arms, a teen pregnancy, or an eating disorder.

   I drink a lot because when I die I want to become high octane fossil fuel. I want to be burned up in a sports car, not some damned Kia or Suburu

   Just saw a fat ginger girl buying a rape whistle...gotta admire her optimism