Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?

   Luckily, this pretty, single girl has me for a neighbor. My 24 hour surveillance is keeping all the pervs away…

   Stop complaing about "humor" if you have nothing to contribute.

   still waiting for dane cook to makr a joke about tragedy

   i deserve an alcoholiday

   this the best we can do? We need to put some humor back on everyones faces, C'mon dig down deep people...

   just when I think humanity is improving, I turn on the TV yesterday and see the tragic 5 hour energy commercial...

   My mate asked me,"Do you like Tom Hanks movies?" I said, "Well I'm not a Big fan..."

   Depressed from all the bad news? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   I go to the all you can eat breakfast bar for $5.00. I go, "What'll 10.00 get me?" They asked me to leave. That's bull$hit right there.

   or should I say when our we our we gonna protect our schools like we protect our banks and government offices

   how many schools are going to get shot up before we as parents decide to start arming our teachers!

   if someone going to kill, they would purchase a gun no mater what laws were in place..

   In over 75% of mass shootings in the states the shooters obtained their weapons legally. You can't regulate insanity, but you can regulate guns.

   Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?

   Can they make band aids that are easier and faster to unpack so I don't bleed to death?

   i'm thinking about sending a fruitcake to some family members for Christmas...u know the old saying "you are what you eat"

   If you love her, let her go out drinking with her friends.. If she calls you drunk, she is yours.. If she turns off her cell, she never was.

   Well, if you had to grow up with bad food, bad teeth, bad music, and a Euro-Economy....life really is not worth living for.....is it?

   I'm eating nothing but comfort food tonight...cookies, ice cream, pizza. I don't even care, but I think I'm starting to like food way more than people.