Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just googled, "Gift ideas for wife" One website suggested a cooking class. They must have thought I meant, "Gift ideas for wife if you want to sleep on the couch forever."

   How many Mexicans does it take to knock out Pacquiao.........JUST JUAN

   I've come to a life altering decision. I'm giving up the guitar, and gonna to learn to play that thing in the Ricola commercials.

   ego boost: put a bumper sticker on the car that says "honk if I'm sexy" & then drive very slow

   Only a real genius could say these four words fast without getting tongue tied: eye, yam, stew, peed

   No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.

   Last year, I got socks for Christmas. The year before, I got a couple of sacks. And before that, a sax. For pity's sake, Santa, you blind old jerk, it's sex. S-E-X.

   Apparently the Colorado and Washington girl scouts are adding a new brand or cookie for sale this year. Apparently its a cheeto's flavored brand called "Baker's delight."

   You ever catch a glimpse of yourself at the right angle in the mirror, naked and about to get in the shower and think "Damn, I need a picture of that."?

   Baby Jesus doesn't care if my gift to you came from the dollar store and neither should you.

   Unfortunately, there was a lot more camel toe than mistletoe at the office Christmas party last night.

   What happens on Santa's lap.......stays on Santa's lap.

   Just turned a dollar into two. Now arguing with lady at lotto stand as to why I can't have my pic on their "Wall of winners"

   Just found out that the "S" in the upcoming iPhone 5S stands for "Sucker! (you just bought the 5.)"

   did anyone wake up manny paquiao I know he got stuff to do today

   ''Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.'' - Jesus flirting in a bar

   So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I'm on Facebook, I don't have money or a life.

   Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones who tell the truth.

   A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions