Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

   got thrown out of a casino last night... apparently I completely misunderstood the crap table!

   I dont want to say the economy is getting bad under Joe, but I drove by the former Chucky Cheese which is now called "chucky government cheese"

   The problem isn’t government assistance for people who need it. The problem is government assistance for people just because they can get it.

   I had two naps today but every time I wake up I'm still at work.

   I was going to tell you a joke about covid 19 but 99% of you won’t get it......

   Fell down on the treadmill just now, got ice cream everywhere.

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

   Cruises: Like being on house arrest with midnight buffets.

   Wondering why I have a belly button, but not being able to imagine life without one

   Some people spend a fortune so they can circle the world. Others drink Beer so the world circles around them.

   Take note... the people who unabashedly support Drumpf can't spell, can't form a coherent sentence and have no idea how to interpret facts and statistics.

   Think I'll get a third shot. And no I'm not in a bar.

   I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake up call. She told me "Trump lost, Joe Biden is now your president".

   Now that summer's over, I'd like to suggest to the ladies (and guys from Canada) that next year, unless you have a rear end made of perfectly sculpted stone, don't wear a thong.

   COVID is going to be an excuse for horrible restaurant service for years to come.

   I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

   "Where the hell are all the moths coming from?" -- Thomas Edison 1879

   OK. What genius decided to call it the "Jab" and not the "Hokey Pokey"?