santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.

   Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!

   If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable

   Between the blue corn tortilla chips, spinach dip, and salsa....I've been crapp*ng out Christmas colors for the past three days.

   There are 364 days until Christmas and I already have my Christmas lights up and my Wife call's me a Procrastinator.

   There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable.

   Nothing shows more Christmas spirit then then Egypt, and Sudan they keep sending each other cars- that blow up! Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal!

   I crammed 3 Christmas' s in 3 States within 2 days! I don't know how Santa does it!!!

   Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids

   I'm glad that Christmas is over so I don't have to see that no talent ass clown who became famous and started winning Grammys on Honda commercials anymore!

   Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.

   All I wanted for Christmas was to get promoted out of the friend zone.

   I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!

   that face you make when you only have 1 or 2 presents & the other people around you have 10-12 :-/...then while they are still opening theirs you sit around with that f you look

   Merry Drunk I'm Christmas

   "MERRY CHRITHMITH MY ATH!" ~ The kid in the Christmas song that didn't get her two front teeth.

   To the person who just mass messaged me that heart felt "Merry Christmas" text, I thought you should know everyone says "Thanks". ..All 115 of them.

   Thank you everyone who group text me with Merry Christmas. I just woke up to hundreds of "you too" texts from people I don't know....fml

   Merry Christmas. ..ya filthy animal.