Aaron Funny Status Messages

   A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

   I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

   I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.

   I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters

   Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

   It used to be called "House Depot" until they filled it with love.

   Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

   Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.

   I think the winner should aspire to greater things than a chicken dinner...

   I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.

   Before drinking an "energy drink", pause to consider this: How are you going to use that extra energy to better serve Christ?

   Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.

   I'm not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

   Single guy "I can't do anything right." Married guy "I can't do anything, right?"

   I wish there was some kind of signal drivers could use on their car to notify other drivers that they're turning.

   "You drive me to drink!" -I shout at my taxi driver.

   "You swallow 8 spiders a night" I repeat to myself over and over looking for more. I have only consumed 5. It's 4am. Dawn will break soon.

   Hold on I'm about to count my money. Alright I'm done.

   If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.