Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm thinking about sending a fruitcake to some family members for Christmas...u know the old saying "you are what you eat"

   If you love her, let her go out drinking with her friends.. If she calls you drunk, she is yours.. If she turns off her cell, she never was.

   Well, if you had to grow up with bad food, bad teeth, bad music, and a Euro-Economy....life really is not worth living for.....is it?

   I'm eating nothing but comfort food tonight...cookies, ice cream, pizza. I don't even care, but I think I'm starting to like food way more than people.

   Careful what you write on my FB. My wonderful, charming, brilliant boss reads everyone's email and st@tus Commments! Even if your not his friends he is always on top of things, such a wonderful boss!.....

   Don't ignore my texts, I know you check your phone 24/7.

   My girlfriend wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an I'm asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like. I

   Her: Your Not listening!!!! Me: How can I listen to you if you dont say the things I want to hear...Woman????

   It's ok if you don't like my personality,,, I've got others.

   Every Maine-ah,,, at the age of 10 has to battle a moose to the death, using only the aid of 4 beavers...

   That moment when you spend 20 minutes making all the christmas lights work, then putting them nicely along the ceiling, then stand back to look at the beautiful setup up.. Plug them in... And BAM, they don't work....\

   Hey know what's more fun than a baby who has just learned to take off his own diaper?.......... everything...........everything is more fun than that

   Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire... This inflation is out of control.

   Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips. Fml

   Never take for granite what you have. No matter how naughty they are, appreciate they are healthy and alive. Pray for those touched by this tragedy. I can't even imagine.

   God got kicked out of our schools and the devil walked right on in......

   The school shooting happened at Sandy Hook Elementary? Sandy is officially the worst name of 2012.

   Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.

   Maybe if you had a perfect attendance record in school as you do in the club your life would be better off.

   There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.