Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, if this apocalypse doesn't work out, I hear there's a Jamaican calender that ends on 4/20 next year....

   My next plan for Christmas shopping would be buying a couple of laptops to like my status on this ...

   Man I hate Taylor Swift..I mean don't you wanna put her over your knee and spank her azz,,,her tight, firm, round azz,,,and pull her hair,,,her soft, flowing beautiful hair,,,man I love Taylor Swift.

   When you are mocking somebody, you are just trying to get rid of something embarrassing within you that makes you doing so.

   I was just stuffed in to a bag by a fat creepy guy in a red suit. alright! fess up! Who put me on their Christmas list?

   Yo, Australia! Is the apocalypse happening? I need to know if the orgy I'm currently having is validated or if it will just make my husband upset.....

   The end of the world is like a snow day for adults.

   I'm gonna survive tomorrow cause I got a pack of sensu beans and all 7 dragonballs. I'm good.

   End of the world headlines... National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, together again

   Gonna be honest here since the world is ending: "Sailing" by Christopher Cross makes me emotional.

   Boring Apocalypse thus far. Seems like Ryan Seacrest should be hosting a "2012 A-Rock-Alypse Eve" show from Times Square or something.....

   It would suck if the world ended tomorrow simply because Jersey Shore's last episode is tonight!! No more Snookie!!

   Did you ever wonder if aliens secretly film people having sex, then make them into boring nature shows to show their kids on the Human Planet channel?

   Every time I'm with you, I feel like I'm in lord of the rings cuz you're my precious

   I think they should move the movie "2012" from the Science Fiction section to the Comedy Section.. It is already 21st of December in Australia and nothing happened.

   I know I can go to NAPA to buy truck nuts... But where can I go to get my Prius vajazzled ??

   I saw an ad on craigslist today that said “free firewood,, you collect it”.. So I wrote the guy and said “Bud, you just wrote an ad for the woods”

   My coworker, a Jehovah's Witness,, wouldn't attend the Christmas luncheon.. She took her bonus check though,, Maybe she's donating it to her church.

   Note to all my FB Friends: As we all know, the end of the world will be tomorrow. So with that being said.... I think you are all a bunch of idiots!

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.