Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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It's never too early to set something on fire. 
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
So I'm flying to England and the flight attendant asks me if I want dinner. I asked her what my choices were. She said, "Yes or no."
One of my favorite things about this time of year is seeing all the pictures of children screaming in sheer terror as their parents try to capture that special moment with Santa.
NEWS FLASH: Scientists still baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies, own guns, and play video games,,, but not shoot each other.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!
Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.
Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.
People are insane psychiatric wards are nice really cool jackets that make you hug yourself and they tell you your special.
Some people were dropped as a baby, but you were clearly thrown at a wall.
I think we are taking the end of the world really well.
My new years Resolution to survive the end of the world and be sane.
Why has no one invented a drink called "tequila mocking bird"? Oh wait! I just did ;-) Your welcome!
Yeah the israelis want peace alright...a piece of more land.
Your attitude was so bad I decided to make it goo by giving you a double standing ovation..... with both my middle fingers
Got 99 problems but your being so hot can solve sex of them.
I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Don't think we didn't notice you deleted your status when no one liked it 