Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.

   People are insane psychiatric wards are nice really cool jackets that make you hug yourself and they tell you your special.

   Some people were dropped as a baby, but you were clearly thrown at a wall.

   I think we are taking the end of the world really well.

   My new years Resolution to survive the end of the world and be sane.

   Why has no one invented a drink called "tequila mocking bird"? Oh wait! I just did ;-) Your welcome!

   Yeah the israelis want peace alright...a piece of more land.

   Your attitude was so bad I decided to make it goo by giving you a double standing ovation..... with both my middle fingers

   Got 99 problems but your being so hot can solve sex of them.

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

   Don't think we didn't notice you deleted your status when no one liked it

   You're a woman, obviously you don't understand yourself either.

   ''Live this friday like it was your last.'' - The Mayans

   I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.

   Hey! I just met you, and this is crazy, but you had 6 beers and here's your bill, so pay me maybe. - funny bartender

   You call it slutty,I call it friendly with a chance of blow jobs.

   I love tequila because I like where I wake up to be a surprise.

   If I was a billionaire, I would fly all over the world in my private jet helping poor people, feeding hungry kids, and b itches.