Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes wishes he was deaf, so all her nagging would look like a funny dance!

   If you see an onion ring…answer it!

   if i'm not funny, amusing, or entertaining in any way there is no refund

   Just saw a kid in wal-mart pick up a Justin Beiber CD and pummel it into the floor screaming like a wild man... My faith in our nations youth has been restored.

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.

   For my birthday I asked jesus for a bike, but realized he didnt work like that. So I stole one and asked for forgivness.

   just because you're on vacation doesn't give you the right to take a picture of every cocktail or check in at every bar. That falls in the category of, "I could care less"

   You know your getting old when you drop something on the floor and instead picking it right back up, you just stare at it for a minute or two...

   Adele: "I set fire to the rain!" Spongebob: "That's nothing... I make campfires underwater."

   How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower? Give the woman a shovel

   Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.

   Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.

   Sometimes... when I'm bored, I lay on the kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb (o O)

   Was in the K-Mart earlier and noticed they have Barack Obama Christmas Ornaments. Seems it's fashionable again to hang black people from a tree.

   i'm gonna quit thankgiving cold turkey.

   I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!

   In a prefect world Taco Bell would deliver...

   Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, "Are you sure you want to leave this page?"

   The Mars Rover sends a signal to Earth from the edge of space and my cell phone cant go under a bridge without dropping a call? Screw you Sprint!

   I stopped believing for just a few minutes. Now Journey is all pissed at me.