Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is Boxing Day in Canada. Or, as we in America call it; WTF is Boxing Day??

   When you love someone you take interest in their interests or at least pretend to.

   Dont mistake my kindness for blindness.

   Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".

   I should've asked for eight maids a-milking.

   How much does it cost these days to make someone love you?

   MERRY DEBTMAS EVERYONE!

   I watch horror movies to make sure I still have feelings.

   I go for religious girls cause if they believe that stuff imagine what you can get them to do.

   liking someone who doesn't like you back is the worst. esp when you think about them every damn day

   A friend of mine called herself a geniust....yes your heard right, a geniust. I didn't have the heart to tell her.

   Only 364 shopping days 'til Christmas!!

   A lot of people are single because they value their peace of mind. Unhealthy relationships can be so damn stressful.

   I greet all my daughter's boyfriends with, "I used to molest guys like you in prison."

   Sunglasses – allowing perverts to stare at boobs they're never going to touch for decades.

   The worst part about being alone is I don't have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge

   If it requires clothes…I probably don't want to do it with you.

   Raise some kids, raise a family, grow old together... God that sounds like a fairytale these days.

   When I wake up before my alarm clock...I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH"

   Son: Dad, I want a car!" Dad: "Not unless you cut your hair." Son: "Jesus had long hair!" Dad: "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too."