Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes I'm that a$$hole who refuses to stand up and clap in a room filled with people standing and clapping.

   I hate going to bed on an empty v@gina :(

   I'm like a kid in the candy store when I shop for my x-mas presents at the liquor store.

   just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter. Expecting a song within the hour

   My goal is to one day make it through an entire p orn movie.

   You know when you're having sex and... well, I guess my question is, what's that like?

   Just had a moment with a cute girl, we locked eyes and sparks flew. Then she rolled off the hood of my car.

   The only solution to a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Banning guns is not the solution.

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   If you stick a pencil far enough up your nose,, you can actually erase your feelings

   Mayans=Early Mexicans. A culture who couldn't come up with a cuisine that went beyond using the same 7 ingredients, yet alone calculate the end of time.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   I don't have a drinking problem, if anything I'm too damn good at it.

   Violets are blue, roses are red, I wrote this poem for you so give me some head.

   Either the world didn't end, or heaven looks a lot like my apartment.

   I Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

   My name is Fred and I'm a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....

   Did you ever notice how a woman's “I'll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I'll be home in 5min” are one and the same?

   Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

   If spiders start flying I'm leaving this planet.