Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saved a lot of money this Christmas by switching to single....

   Dudes that wear Speedos should have to wear the bikini top too.

   In these economic hard times, I always do what it takes to get my money's worth. Like yesterday. I went to the Dental Hygienist and ate a box of Oreos in the waiting room before going in.

   Asking me if you can "jam on my guitar" is like asking me if you can sleep with my girl. If anything, your chances of me okaying you sleeping with my girl are exponentially greater.

   I need a good cry... I think I'll go weigh myself.

   It's only a matter of time before the red, squiggly line disappears from the word Gangnam ...

   If you try to use Apple's iOS 6 maps, you might discover a new unchartered continent.

   There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect

   So in America, at 18 you can die at war or be in a porno. But you have to wait another 3 years until you're allowed a beer?

   Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.... ...nothing

   I snuck in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.

   christmas shopping online is confusing the kids..they see their toys being delivered one at a time. If the UPS guy would dress like Santa..problem solved.

   If you find a female driver who checks her side-view mirrors, marry her.

   Making it rain on a stripper was just one in a handful of fiscally irresponsible decisions I've made in 2012. Gotta tighten up in '13.

   9 out of 10 dentists choose....... to ask me if I smoked weed before the appointment.

   Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, that's more like it.

   If you're really happy, someone's probably lying to you about something.

   Not cool, midgets shopping at the mall during Christmas. Very confusing.

   I saved a TON of money this year by remaining single this Holiday Season !

   Stan: Cartman did you just say the F word?. Cartman: you mean J ew?