Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2965 of 6449

guess what I found under the Christmas tree??? Floor tiles!
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12-25-2012 13:20
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I've long accepted the fact my parents were Santa. But what I still don't get is how they manage to deliver all the presents around the world in a single night
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12-25-2012 12:22
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Hope all the gun haters are watching "A Christmas Story" right now, Ralphie just got his Red Ryder BB Gun!
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12-25-2012 12:22
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You can tell a lot about a person by making vast assumptions.
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12-25-2012 10:40 by snotty
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FYI: Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first..........Geesh
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12-25-2012 10:37 by snotty
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What time do we take our kids door to door for presents?
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12-25-2012 10:01 by snotty
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I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market and I was armed with nothing but a bag of gluten
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12-25-2012 10:01 by snotty
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I bet Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like its $19.99
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12-25-2012 09:38 by J.D.
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Last night I slept for eight hours straight. Then two hours gay.
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12-25-2012 09:38 by J.D.
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Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, all rubbish. You want to lose weight? Move to England. The food is horrid.
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12-25-2012 07:12 by Blimey
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JUST saw Santa jumping from roof to roof with half a dozen cops behind him. Perhaps he lost his Reindeer and they're helping him find them?
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12-25-2012 02:50
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I dont know if yall know but umm ...its Christmas time in Hollis Queens
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12-25-2012 02:13
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Since that very first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life... avoiding you.
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12-25-2012 02:03 by jwoowoop
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i don't get it...tonight theres millions of breaking & entering cases but nobody calls the police because they get bought off with presents
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12-25-2012 00:13 by Eddy
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I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I'll pop open the red and drink that.
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12-24-2012 21:54
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Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.

Friendly Christmas Reminder: If you're telling a joke to a group of family members and friends, and no one laughs, there is NO need to REPEAT the joke a second time!

twas the night before Christmas & all through the trailer park, not a creature was stirring, not even a dog's bark (redneck edition)
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12-24-2012 19:28 by Eddy
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ROTFLSHIDMEN = Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Dropped My Egg Nog.
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12-24-2012 15:56 by Timber
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I don't smoke weed to escape reality. I smoke weed to enjoy reality even more.