Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a woman, who the hell knows what's gonna happen. 
Todays brain is brought to you by new sponsers. Yesterdays medical alcohol.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.
15.Now that I finally remembered to write 2012 as the date, I need to start writing 2013.
11.Tonight on ABC starting at 10: Fasten your seat belts as the dynamic Ryan Seacrest spends two hours telling us what time it is!
Happy New Year everybody! I know its a bit early but I often suffer from premature congratulations.
I can't believe it's been a whole year since I didn't become a better person!
My new years resolution for 2013? I will be less laz
The only resolution I've ever managed to stick with, was when I resolved not to make resolutions I can't stick with.
Kim and Kanye's baby will probably be delivered by C-Section to avoid getting Chlamydia on the way out...
Hmmm I'm going to pick up a Nicki Minaj album and listen to it for it's richness in pop culture and it's intelligent coherent lyrics..............said no one ever...
News Alert for New Years Eve!! Government warning!!! According to the Surgeon General: When women consume alcohol, it impairs their ability to say “no”! So.... who's buying me a drink?
Hold on Kanye, Imma let you finish, but first, Jay Z and Beyonce have already had the greatest baby of ALL TIME!
So its safe to assume Kanye & Khadarshian's baby will have a huge butt and a huge mouth?
According to my Nike Fuelband, I've just masturbated for 4 miles.
Kiss me ~ it's midnight somewhere.
If I was Asian, my name would be Jet Lag....because I'm tired all the time!
anyone who says "I hate to break it to you", can't f#$^ing wait to break it to you.
HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE: It takes 24,637 BOLTS to put a car together, but only one NUT to spread it all over the road. Don't Drink & Drive! 