Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2964 of 6449

I watch horror movies to make sure I still have feelings.
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12-26-2012 10:11
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I go for religious girls cause if they believe that stuff imagine what you can get them to do.
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12-26-2012 10:06
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liking someone who doesn't like you back is the worst. esp when you think about them every damn day
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12-26-2012 09:23
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A friend of mine called herself a geniust....yes your heard right, a geniust. I didn't have the heart to tell her.
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12-26-2012 09:11 by K-Mac
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Only 364 shopping days 'til Christmas!!
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12-26-2012 08:42 by Elvis
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A lot of people are single because they value their peace of mind. Unhealthy relationships can be so damn stressful.
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12-26-2012 07:53
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I greet all my daughter's boyfriends with, "I used to molest guys like you in prison."
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12-26-2012 07:43
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Sunglasses – allowing perverts to stare at boobs they're never going to touch for decades.
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12-26-2012 07:42
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The worst part about being alone is I don't have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge
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12-26-2012 07:33
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If it requires clothes…I probably don't want to do it with you.
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12-26-2012 07:32
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Raise some kids, raise a family, grow old together... God that sounds like a fairytale these days.

When I wake up before my alarm clock...I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH"
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12-25-2012 23:17
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Son: Dad, I want a car!" Dad: "Not unless you cut your hair." Son: "Jesus had long hair!" Dad: "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too."
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12-25-2012 19:41 by Boo Hiss!
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Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
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12-25-2012 19:24 by Mickey
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My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up
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12-25-2012 19:14
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I saw one of those Hummercars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'
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12-25-2012 18:44 by MTQ
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Merry Hammered People!!!! I'm Christmas!!!!
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12-25-2012 18:14 by Steve OH
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I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"

Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.

Oh bloody hell! Someone has eaten all of the figgy pudding! ツ