Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   last night this guy c ummed in his pants when we were just making out.. Epic fail

   if you use your x-box to workout, you realize your house smells like a$$, don't you??

   Guess I can take the mistletoe off my belt buckle now.

   The reality is men have no idea what women want... and women have no idea what women want

   Just took some cough syrup. I made that scrunchie face and shook my head just like I was a little kid.

   Up to this year, there's a reality T.V. show about everything except reality.

   I wish nude pics had a self-destruct option when you break-up.

   My wife crashed the car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating at the time. The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory

   If you're gonna tell me a story that invokes the phrase "robbed a sex shop" you have my full attention...

   the weatherman is predicting some frosted flakes in the morning...he better mean breakfast

   Sometimes wishes he was deaf, so all her nagging would look like a funny dance!

   If you see an onion ring…answer it!

   if i'm not funny, amusing, or entertaining in any way there is no refund

   Just saw a kid in wal-mart pick up a Justin Beiber CD and pummel it into the floor screaming like a wild man... My faith in our nations youth has been restored.

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.

   For my birthday I asked jesus for a bike, but realized he didnt work like that. So I stole one and asked for forgivness.

   just because you're on vacation doesn't give you the right to take a picture of every cocktail or check in at every bar. That falls in the category of, "I could care less"

   You know your getting old when you drop something on the floor and instead picking it right back up, you just stare at it for a minute or two...

   Adele: "I set fire to the rain!" Spongebob: "That's nothing... I make campfires underwater."

   How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower? Give the woman a shovel