Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I watch horror movies to make sure I still have feelings.
←Rate | 12-26-2012 10:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I go for religious girls cause if they believe that stuff imagine what you can get them to do.
←Rate | 12-26-2012 10:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon liking someone who doesn't like you back is the worst. esp when you think about them every damn day
←Rate | 12-26-2012 09:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A friend of mine called herself a geniust....yes your heard right, a geniust. I didn't have the heart to tell her.
←Rate | 12-26-2012 09:11 by K-Mac Comments (1)  


   messageicon Only 364 shopping days 'til Christmas!!
←Rate | 12-26-2012 08:42 by Elvis Comments (0)  


   messageicon A lot of people are single because they value their peace of mind. Unhealthy relationships can be so damn stressful.
←Rate | 12-26-2012 07:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I greet all my daughter's boyfriends with, "I used to molest guys like you in prison."
←Rate | 12-26-2012 07:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sunglasses – allowing perverts to stare at boobs they're never going to touch for decades.
←Rate | 12-26-2012 07:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The worst part about being alone is I don't have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge
←Rate | 12-26-2012 07:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If it requires clothes…I probably don't want to do it with you.
←Rate | 12-26-2012 07:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Raise some kids, raise a family, grow old together... God that sounds like a fairytale these days.
←Rate | 12-26-2012 00:14 by matthewmuthafuckinmccord!!!! Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I wake up before my alarm clock...I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH"
←Rate | 12-25-2012 23:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Son: Dad, I want a car!" Dad: "Not unless you cut your hair." Son: "Jesus had long hair!" Dad: "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too."
←Rate | 12-25-2012 19:41 by Boo Hiss! Comments (0)  


   messageicon Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
←Rate | 12-25-2012 19:24 by Mickey Comments (0)  


   messageicon My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up
←Rate | 12-25-2012 19:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I saw one of those Hummercars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'
←Rate | 12-25-2012 18:44 by MTQ Comments (0)  


   messageicon Merry Hammered People!!!! I'm Christmas!!!!
←Rate | 12-25-2012 18:14 by Steve OH Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"
←Rate | 12-25-2012 17:16 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.
←Rate | 12-25-2012 14:38 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon Oh bloody hell! Someone has eaten all of the figgy pudding! ツ
←Rate | 12-25-2012 14:21 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  




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