Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.

   What happened in 2012 stays in 2012...

   I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I think I'll call it a 'Towel'.

   HAPPY HANGOVER DAY

   For anyone interested , I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble from 6PM until I am escorted out by securuty

   Never ignore a person who loves you and cares for you. One day you may realise you've lost the moon while busy counting the stars.

   Somebody died last night, but I didn't, somebody didn't wake up this morning, but I did, I'm not lucky, I'm blessed

   My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.

   Contrary to what you may think, my moral compass is not broken. It just happens to be pointing toward hell

   I am not homeless but alot of homeless things happend to me.

   For your information, we'll be remembered as the generation who thought a fat Korean pretending to ride a horse was entertaining to look at.

   Facebook sure is quiet this morning....wonder why.

   Happy New Year everyone....and may your worries this year last no longer than a Kardashian marriage .

   When someone posts this: "Last year was wonderful....this year has been pretty awesome too! Can't stop smiling...bring it on!" It actually means: "I didn't do j@ck $hit."

   The key to happiness is having something to look forward to. Lindsay Lohan turns 27 this year and there is this one club. She likes clubs.

   Welp. Looks like I broke my new years resolution regarding procrastination....Guess who just p00ped their pants.

   I remember 2012 like it was yesterday

   Ok, just saw Jenny the Crypt Keeper dry hump a Bieber cardboard cutout. Seacrest should have gone down there and ash bombed her.

   I have not taken a shower since last year

   please no more gangnam style dance... keep the gangnam style back in 2012