Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think my dirty clothes are lazy....I've given them a whole week and they still haven't moved any closer to the washer.

   I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.

   My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!

   If women were labeled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone messed up here...

   When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.

   I'm not arrogant... I'm optimistic ... I truly believe everyone will come around to my way of thinking

   I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!

   Our economy would probably be much better if people only spent less time using facebook during work hours!!!

   Hail Mary, full of grace, put Notre Dame in second place.

   finally a cute stalker

   Why do women continue to by men gifts, when the two "best" gifts are free? Blow Jobs and Silence!

   I hope in 2013 people stop taking photos or videos with a 0.2 Megapixel potato

   Facebook (FB) + Instagram (I) = FBI............."They" are watching you.

   hope the weekend comes as fast as my ex

   Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose "Extremely Hard".

   When I get a headache,I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children,just like the bottle says LOL!

   turns out, Chanting "I'm not creepy" in front of a mirror doesn't make you feel any less creepy.

   Why is it as a grown man living in your own home you cannot touch those "special" pillows on the couch, but those grandkids can come over and toss them everywhere and its cute?

   schools are back in session. Remember if you study hard enough there will still be no jobs when you graduate.

   look, I'm only liking your status to let you know that I read it so you won't try to tell me about it later.