Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fast forward to the drive-thru one...

   There's a woman in New Jersey that has a rare medical condition that makes her have 100's of unwanted orgasims. She has 100's of orgasims a day and is still complaining. That just proves women are never happy

   You're not a stalker; you're bad with goodbye.

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever...

   I won't rest until I find a cure for this darn insomnia! ツ

   Not being able to afford braces was cool, cuz now I can floss with my thumb.

   When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put them back quietly.

   Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

   Look, I'm not saying you’re gay,, I'm saying I've never seen you and gay in the same room at once...

   I’m just waiting for you to be rich and famous so I can still not like you.

   A relationship is like a house. If a light bulb goes out, you don’t buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.....Unless the house is a total jerk-off. In that case, you burn that sucker down and buy a better house with good light bulbs.

   How high on the douche bag scale is the guy with his polo collar popped??

   I seem to spend a lot more time pooping than most people. So my question is, what’s wrong with y’all??

   I tripped while getting on the escalator and fell down the stairs.....for 2 hours.

   I’m thinking about becoming an MMA fighter. What’s the tattoo minimum??

   You're born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn't finished.

   The Chuckle Brothers now work as parking wardens... To meter you.

   Women: I can't live with them and I can't be straight without them..

   you can only bring sexy back if you have the receipt and in its original condition and packaging.

   The phonetic alphabet for BJ is "Bravo Juliette." Which is exactly what I say to my girlfriend after a blow job....