Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LIKE if you’ve already broke one of your New Year’s Resolutions.

   so I just watched " Limitless" for the 1st time with my girlfriend. She said " Wouldnt it be great if there was a drug that you could accomplish anything and just b a little sick afterwards?"..i was like, there is, its called OPIATES...

   Well it turns out, the answer wasn't at the bottom of the bottle, I guess I'll have to check in the other 23...

   Q) What did the snail say when rode on the turtle's back? A) WHEEEEEEEE!!!

   Shine on you crazy cubic zirconia.

   Well, the New US Congress finished its first real day of work. There's probably a motion on the floor now to take the rest of the year off.

   from now on, I only drink Gluten free beer. Just kidding, I don’t know what Gluten is but I bet it’s delicious!!

   I used to be Pro Life until I found out Kim Kardashian was pregnant!

   I Met A Good Friend Through A Fake Friend

   The next time someone says to me "This too shall pass" they'd better be talking about a joint.

   Some mistakes only a mother can love.

   How many animals can you fit inside a pair of panty hose? 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a sh1tload of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish nobody can find!!

   Some People are Morning People, I am a Never People. *

   Today, I'll be responding to all questions with 'interpretive dance', so a lot of you are going to miss some of the hilarity that ensues ツ

   Lots of soul-searching in the pro-life community now that Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West's baby.

   My 2013 resolution is for everyone else to gain 50 pounds.

   You know there's an easy way to deal with cyber-bullies: Turn off the computer and go crush his hands with a meat mallet.

   When I was beamed up into the Alien craft, the Military and the Aliens warned me that if I had said anything about this, people would think I was crazy. Little do they know that I have earned that reputation all on my own...

   I was planning on being productive today until I heard Rump Shaker on the radio. Now all I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom zoom-zoom in a boom-boom.

   The Speaker of the House outright left our Hurricane Sandy victims in the sand (no pun intended). So I am writing a strongly worded letter to Congress requesting that every American Dictionary replaces the word "erection" with "Boehner"....