Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because you've had a lot of lovers doesn't automatically mean you're an ideal one.

   Why is it that society gives us the impression that all Brazilian chicks are sluts?

   Whoever said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" clearly had no idea how to give a stellar blow job.

   How dare you not notice me ignoring you. - women.

   You know those bugs that fly into your windshield? Those were the married ones.

   Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.

   Real men kill spiders for their women with no goddamn backtalk.

   Free to good home: One useless black & white neutered female 9 year old cat. So useless has let 2 mice in this year alone. Doesn't even have to be a good home. Mediocre will do!!

   Women may not hit harder, but we hit lower.

   It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

   One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep $hit.

   people who say same exact are dumb stupid...

   I was going to post a picture of the beautiful sunrise this morning but I forgot I'm a lazy sob...

   I love honeymoon but without the marriage.

   50% of marriages end in divorce and the other 50% end by a "relationship status" on facebook.

   Cleaning out my closet while listening to "Cleanin' out my closet" Priceless.

   the hardest job in the world has to be a toothpick salesman. I still have half a box left I bought in 1997!

   After all that crap I cannot belive they are back together... Who you may ask....The cheeks of my arse

   if the Miss America contestants all represent their home state, why are they all white and skinny??

   That's right sexy fella, I see you over there, looking at me, locking eyes with me, pointing at me, whispering to the policeman "that's her"......