Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our country is broke and overweight. Yet we still pay $$ to power up escalators? Makes sense.

   I'm anxiously awaiting my front row tickets to...what goes around comes around

   If Mariah Carey can give birth to twins and still reclaim her toned tummy, surrely I can also get rid of this holiday season beer gut and reclaim my six pack.

   Name 2 things that get smoked in bowls?.......Marijuana and Notre Dame Football

   Beauty is directly correlated to 3D...Darkness, Distance, and Drunkedness.

   I'm a passionate supporter of things that don't inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort ツ

   I hate when people come over and they're like "Do you have a bathroom?" No...we sh1t in the yard!

   I trust an Instgram photo about as much as I trust those attorneys that advertise during soap operas...

   smoking a blunt with Justin Bieber.....

   Red Cross taking donations for disaster relief...... Text "Irish"

   Heard Bill Clinton on the radio, someone asked how his wife's head was, couldnt help but think probably not as good as Monica's..

   Taylor Swifts new song: "He went One Direction and I went another"

   How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, But I'd never met herbivore

   Never say never? False. You just said it twice.

   Happy Birthday Elvis! TCB, baby!

   The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.

   Notre Dame is reminding me of high school.......i didnt score either!

   Looks like St. Patrick's day can't come soon enough this year for the Irish!

   Whatever Dude..I say That By eating this vodka with a spoon it officially becomes a soup and is therefore healthy..... So Kiss Off