Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Healthy Marriage Tip #43: Apologize for the dream your wife had about you. Yeah, I know... apologize anyway ツ

   sometimes the truth is hard to accept so I live in a dream

   I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing.

   Don’t try to rush me while waiting behind me at a Redbox, I will read what every movie is about…twice

   the next Call of duty will only have knives and bows amd arrows. Thanks Obama!

   The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   Just thinking about how Notre Dame and most married men have a lot in common. How you ask, Bpth are always trying to score but not making it to the endzone often enough!!

   I've been living dangerously for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend got a new cookbook for Christmas.

   If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put beer in a tit?

   Talk about double standards! When I showed my bud my new harley it's was perfectly acceptable for him to say "That's great! Can I have a go on it?" But when I said the same as he introduced his new girlfriend to me it's a different story.

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

   I was at a job interview the other day when the guy asked me, "How would you describe yourself in 5 words?" This was a tough one I thought to myself. So after a minute or two I replied, "I'd do it by talking."

   Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber. Cleverest. Government. Propaganda. Ever.

   Will trade AR-15 for nice Corvette....

   watching relationships fall apart on fb is one of my favorite hobbies

   If you're on facebook saying you're at the gym, then you're not doing anything gym related.

   I'm going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn't matter... something's gonna die tonight.

   To pay for my funeral, I'm going to sell tickets and DVDs of my death-bed confession and I will be accepting bribes from people to be left out of it.

   You're never going to change the world by trying to fit in.

   When I get married: we're having all kinds of sex.. Where you been Sex..Random Sex.. Angry Sex.. We're out of sugar Sex...After eating KFC Sex