Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best," which would include; projectile diarrhea, pantless Sunday and 'fix me a sammich woman'! Yeah, that's my 'best' ツ

   Do you the only thing worse than a Patriot fan?.........Two Patriot fans!

   Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.

   I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat.

   I don't care if saying this hurts my reputation:..... The Westboro Baptist Church's tactics are not the best.

   I hope everyone that clicks on these “like if you hate cancer” posts get cancer. OK, not really, but I hope they stub their toe…

   All these “like if you hate cancer” posts are f ucking ridiculous. Everybody hates cancer but clicking on some damn picture doesn’t do jack s hit!

   I love New England!!! (Clam Chowder)

   Out of respect to my friends in Boston, I won't say how bad I hate the Pats and how I pray an earthquake will occur causing the side of the field they're on to open up, they all fall in, and then snaps back shut.

   it considered child labor if they think they are playing a game?

   Sometimes I hang up on people in the middle of my own sentance so they think I lost service...

   URGENT message to all ginger girls: Dont have a Brazilian; it looks like a fish finger....

   I can't wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.

   Back in my day bathrooms were used for taking a sh*t, not as a photobooth!

   Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.

   if you aren’t both squished on one side of the bed to avoid the wet spot, you aren’t doing it right…

   Pay attention to me boy,,,, Now if something looks like crap,, smells like crap,, and tastes like crap,, You should have stopped at just smelling it.

   I met a new client at work last week, but I made a total fool of myself when he introduced himself. Apparently 'Neil' is his name, not a command. On the bright side - I did get the contract, though.

   Life is too shart. Stupid autocorrect ツ

   Looks like Seattle can't win with only 11 players. They need a 12th man