Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sometimes you have to delete your fb so you don't get caught

   In the popularity contest that is Facebook, I'm currently in 609,264,326th place, slightly higher than in real life. Win!

   I honestly never believed that whole story about Lance Armstrong walking on the moon.

   Vegas has the Ravens as a 9.5 point underdog against the Pats but the Ravens are a 3 body favorite in possible murders.

   Hey look, Grandma!.. You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again....

   The human body is amazingly intricate,, and astonishingly beautiful,, for a turd factory

   If there is a draw on ITV's Splash, it will go into sudden death. Michael Barrymore will host. (What, too soon?)

   Jingle Jangle With The Camel, is my favourite Arab Movie.

   You know you are in deep financial crisis when you wife is giving you Bl@wjob just because you can't afford to buy yogurt.

   Hey Canada,,, Are you sure those were YOUR geese?.. They weren't as polite and well mannered as I would expect

   I'm watching that episode of The Cosby Show where Theo poisons Rudy because he's jealous of her moustache

   Today's 2nd big idea: Low fructose corn syrup.

   Today's big idea - Coffee eye drops

   I keep putting things in the wrong containers in the kitchen. I don't think it's Alzheimers. That's a different kettle of fish...

   Getting Sticky Buns from a bakery is awesome. Getting Sticky Buns from the toilet seat at work... not so much ツ

   Scientific fact: Laughing for 10 minutes adds 1 day to your life. You're welcome all my future 120 yr old FB friends!!!

   You need one of those jackets that make you hug yourself real tight!

   1) Jodie Foster never spoke the word g ay. 2) If you didn't already know she was g ay, you're an idiot...

   Just once I would love to get a junk email that read..."P*nis englargment?? No way dude! You are set! Forget I even sent this message." Is that too much to ask???

   you can't call a show Golden Globes and then show a bunch of skinny girls!!