Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A relationship is like a house. If a light bulb goes out, you don’t buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.....Unless the house is a total jerk-off. In that case, you burn that sucker down and buy a better house with good light bulbs.

   How high on the douche bag scale is the guy with his polo collar popped??

   I seem to spend a lot more time pooping than most people. So my question is, what’s wrong with y’all??

   I tripped while getting on the escalator and fell down the stairs.....for 2 hours.

   I’m thinking about becoming an MMA fighter. What’s the tattoo minimum??

   You're born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn't finished.

   The Chuckle Brothers now work as parking wardens... To meter you.

   Women: I can't live with them and I can't be straight without them..

   you can only bring sexy back if you have the receipt and in its original condition and packaging.

   The phonetic alphabet for BJ is "Bravo Juliette." Which is exactly what I say to my girlfriend after a blow job....

   I like reverse cowgirl because he can't see me tweeting and updating my Facebook status.

   If you're into girls that shout at the TV as they eat Doritos in their Hello Kitty pajamas, you're gonna fall in love with me so hard.

   Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It's pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.

   Things that you need adequate preparation for: 1. Zombie apocalypse. 2. Alien invasion. 3. A nal sex.

   The first rule of Zombie Club is: Try not to sprain your ankle.

   If you watch Tarzan with your eyes closed, it's just Phil Collins singing in the jungle.

   I'm not sure why my dog enjoys watching me have sex but I'm sure deep down she's thinking "B itch stole my move..."

   True love cannot be found until you can find a mutual comfort level in the thermostat of your home.

   Lord, I did as you asked and loved my neighbor. But now her husband is outside with a gun and… OMG NO STEVE I WAS DOING THE LORD'S WORK!!!

   High pulp, no pulp, with Calcium, w/o Calcium… WTF happened to just regular OJ??