Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear FB friends, I need your help... I am having a hard time finding the right words to tell my wife (tag wife) that I am cheating on her and have a girlfriend... Any Suggestions???

   I see your rules, and raise you my complete disregard.

   2 wrongs always equal a great night.

   Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car wheels.

   The difference between men and boys, is men take responsibility for their actions…boys still ask mama if it’s ok.

   You know that one person you're always thinking about? They don't.

   I'm not saying I'm lonely, but sometimes I call random numbers for human contact.

   Maybe Taylor Swift should try dating an Arab. It might not work out but at least he'll make sure she doesn't live to write another song.

   Hot chocolate is just normal chocolate that has a modeling career.

   Girls don't ask for much. They want you to be like a Disney prince. So be rich, famous, charming, good-looking and have perfect white teeth.

   Just looked up from my phone. Worst 5 seconds of my life.

   Most of the time, people don't need to be fixed, they simply need to be understood.

   Turn on - Woman who knows how to change a tire if she absolutely had to. Turn off - Woman who insists on doing it while I'm standing there.

   That's enough; pregnant women on Facebook showing us their bump.

   Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested, everything you say can and will be used against you. So use your right to remain silent...

   Well, it looks like that huge asteroid will miss earth. I hope its not too late to contribute to my 401k..

   La, la, la,,♫♪♫,,,,,,I have a structured settlement, but I need crap now....

   The government did not write the constitution to give rights to the people. The people wrote the constitution to limit the government's power.

   Everything in life is temporary , if things are going good , enjoy it , if things are going bad , don't worry , it won't last forever either .... !!

   I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.