Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I assume the holes in fly swatters are there to give flies a fighting chance?

   Sometimes I get so hungry that I eat a sandwich without having sex first.

   If you’re not getting laid on a regular basis, Facebook is not going to solve the problem. If anything its going to make it worse.

   Hi spider. Nice spider.... Let me pet you, WITH MY SHOE!.... Haha spider,,, Dead spider..."

   The greatest trick Lennay Kekua ever pulled was convincing the world she didn’t exist

   Conrad Bain (aka Mr. Drummond) has died. A family spokesperson said he suffered a series of small strokes, all of them a little different.

   taking away a GUN from an American is like taking away a Baguette from a French

   We bought a zoo, because we bought some pot.

   The next house I build is gonna be nothing but bathrooms! Just imagine all the fine women that would come over just to take pics!

   What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance.

   so over relationships. I'll just stick to one night stands, no drama that way!

   “Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.

   Manti T'eo just emailed me about some Nigerian money he needs some help with...

   I'm pretty sure my mailman isn't on the juice...

   If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.

   My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance

   After some investigating just found out that Manti's girlfriend real name is Fawn Liebowitz!!

   Since Manti Teo's girlfriend didn't exist, I really hope AJ McCarron's girlfriend wasn't a hologram.

   Well that was a weird phone call. Who in the hell calls people at random and makes farting noises, laughs then hangs up? Wait a minute, I think I used to do that years ago ... maybe not so weird after all.

   Mr. Drummond dead! What you takin bout Willis???