Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there is anything to be gained this year, I hope it's not weight.

   Always make sure you let her know how you feel.. Well, at least what you think she would want you to be feeling.

   Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.

   My liver is so black it talks during the entire movie.

   Honey maybe you will feel better if you poop.

   I wonder if Steve Jobs is in hell and they've given him a BlackBerry.

   Most women want to tell the truth about their age, but they just can't believe it themselves.

   Attracting attention is easy. Attracting something meaningful is another story.

   I never fart when I'm with a woman. I'm saving myself for marriage.

   The bigger the ass on a woman, the bigger the morning log in the toilet. Keep that in mind.

   Just because you've had a lot of lovers doesn't automatically mean you're an ideal one.

   Why is it that society gives us the impression that all Brazilian chicks are sluts?

   Whoever said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" clearly had no idea how to give a stellar blow job.

   How dare you not notice me ignoring you. - women.

   You know those bugs that fly into your windshield? Those were the married ones.

   Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.

   Real men kill spiders for their women with no goddamn backtalk.

   Free to good home: One useless black & white neutered female 9 year old cat. So useless has let 2 mice in this year alone. Doesn't even have to be a good home. Mediocre will do!!

   Women may not hit harder, but we hit lower.

   It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.