Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd never miss my imaginary girlfriend's funeral. Just saying....

   Oh $hit....... I think my imaginary girlfriend has been cheating on me with some dude from Notre Dame.

   If I had an imaginary girlfriend, I would be smart and never let her die.

   My girl told me that in some cultures women don’t mow the lawn and I told her in some cultures women go to work and earn their own money for shopping. She outside busy mowing the lawn now.

   Katt Williams just got arrested for the Lohanth time.

   I bet guys are getting better at finding the clitoris now that pubes are extinct.

   Why God Created women ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

   It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.

   I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.

   Congratulations on graduating community college! Alright let's practice, I'll ask for a fish filet combo with a sprite, now what do you say?

   Are you trying to seduce me? I can tell by the way you didn't vomit when I said hi.

   Relationships are like @nal s ex, it looks so much easier in the movies.

   Well, our relationship didn't work out the first time, maybe the 37th will be the charm. - Couples who are stupid.

   Don't worry about being alone on Valentine's Day. Worry about being alone the rest of your life.

   The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.

   If we are having sex and you say "give me all of it" I'll automatically assume you mean my money.

   I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from.

   I just wrote "your" instead of "you're", now I have to knock out my teeth and live in a trailer.

   I've been practicing making sandwiches with handcuffs on because I like to be prepared.

   Just because you're over sensitive doesn't mean people are mean and offensive. Get a thicker skin and a sense of humour, douchebag.