Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I hang up on people in the middle of my own sentance so they think I lost service...

   URGENT message to all ginger girls: Dont have a Brazilian; it looks like a fish finger....

   I can't wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.

   Back in my day bathrooms were used for taking a sh*t, not as a photobooth!

   Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.

   if you aren’t both squished on one side of the bed to avoid the wet spot, you aren’t doing it right…

   Pay attention to me boy,,,, Now if something looks like crap,, smells like crap,, and tastes like crap,, You should have stopped at just smelling it.

   I met a new client at work last week, but I made a total fool of myself when he introduced himself. Apparently 'Neil' is his name, not a command. On the bright side - I did get the contract, though.

   Life is too shart. Stupid autocorrect ツ

   Looks like Seattle can't win with only 11 players. They need a 12th man

   Hopes being pregnant gives Kim kardashian the incentive to stay with a man for more than 72 days

   Ever fart so hard it makes your teeth chatter?......well this time her p ussy farted it made my teeth chatter too

   What's the difference between The New England Patriots and a p0rn star? The p0rn star doesn't ch0ke on the big ones.

   the death rate should be near zero with all the FB praying going on nowadays...

   Laughing for 10 minutes adds 1 day to your life. Follow me and you'll live forever!

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

   That awkwar d moment when your last name is White but you're Black and when your last name is Black but you're White.

   So Chris Brown and Rihanna are now Engaged and they have a song together called "Ain't nobody's business." Well, I just wrote my own song called, "Ain't Nobody Cares!"

   I have nothing against Texas. But if Houston doesn't clobber New England today, I'll burn all my ZZ Top albums, forget all about The Alamo, and never eat chili again! Kidding! (About the chili part.)

   Go ahead lady, make a scene about how fast the bus driver is trying to get to my stop while I record it on youtube and titled it, Uppercutt Part II - "the story of the left hook"