Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Home Alone! Expectation: Party! Party! Reality: Peeing with the door open.

   If I don't mention you, then the status wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace it up and wear it.

   Me: Can you believe that after all that crap they're still together!?! Friend: Who ? Me: My buttcheeks

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your damn marriage work?

   If I hear one more time " Liz meet Brad " on You Tube, I am going to star engineering the electricals.

   Even at 50 years old, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though ツ

   i have no friends because everyone is in love with me!

   when I'm with you I hate you but when I'm not with you I miss you

   My procrastinators club is getting restless....they think we should start thinking about thinking about maybe meeting.... I think they are too ambitious to be in my club.......

   I love my new phone. I can now undate my status while crossing the stre

   "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best," which would include; projectile diarrhea, pantless Sunday and 'fix me a sammich woman'! Yeah, that's my 'best' ツ

   Do you the only thing worse than a Patriot fan?.........Two Patriot fans!

   Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.

   I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat.

   I don't care if saying this hurts my reputation:..... The Westboro Baptist Church's tactics are not the best.

   I hope everyone that clicks on these “like if you hate cancer” posts get cancer. OK, not really, but I hope they stub their toe…

   All these “like if you hate cancer” posts are f ucking ridiculous. Everybody hates cancer but clicking on some damn picture doesn’t do jack s hit!

   I love New England!!! (Clam Chowder)

   Out of respect to my friends in Boston, I won't say how bad I hate the Pats and how I pray an earthquake will occur causing the side of the field they're on to open up, they all fall in, and then snaps back shut.

   it considered child labor if they think they are playing a game?